CHAPTER III
WHATWEMAYLEARNBYLOOKINGOUTOFWINDOW
March3d
Apoethassaidthatlifeisthedreamofashadow:hewouldbetterhavecomparedittoanightoffever!Whatalternatefitsofrestlessnessandsleep!whatdiscomfort!whatsuddenstarts!whatever-returningthirst!
whatachaosofmournfulandconfusedfancies!Wecanneithersleepnorwake;weseekinvainforrepose,andwestopshortonthebrinkofaction.Twothirdsofhumanexistencearewastedinhesitation,andthelastthirdinrepenting.
WhenIsayhumanexistence,Imeanmyown!Wearesomadethateachofusregardshimselfasthemirrorofthecommunity:whatpassesinourmindsinfalliblyseemstousahistoryoftheuniverse.Everymanislikethedrunkardwhoreportsanearthquake,becausehefeelshimselfstaggering.
AndwhyamIuncertainandrestless——I,apoorday-laborerintheworld——whofillanobscurestationinacornerofit,andwhoseworkitavailsitselfof,withoutheedingtheworkman?Iwilltellyou,myunseenfriend,forwhomtheselinesarewritten;myunknownbrother,onwhomthesolitarycallinsorrow;myimaginaryconfidant,towhomallmonologuesareaddressedandwhoisbuttheshadowofourownconscience.
Agreateventhashappenedinmylife!AcrossroadhassuddenlyopenedinthemiddleofthemonotonouswayalongwhichIwastravellingquietly,andwithoutthinkingofit.Tworoadspresentthemselves,andImustchoosebetweenthem.OneisonlythecontinuationofthatIhavefollowedtillnow;theotheriswider,andexhibitswondrousprospects.
Onthefirstthereisnothingtofear,butalsolittletohope;ontheotheraregreatdangersandgreatfortune.Briefly,thequestionis,whetherIshallgiveupthehumbleofficeinwhichIthoughttodie,foroneofthoseboldspeculationsinwhichchancealoneisbanker!EversinceyesterdayIhaveconsultedwithmyself;IhavecomparedthetwoandIremainundecided.
WhereshallIfindlight——whowilladviseme?
Sunday,4th——Seethesuncomingoutfromthethickfogsofwinter!
Springannouncesitsapproach;asoftbreezeskimsovertheroofs,andmywallflowerbeginstoblowagain.
Wearenearthatsweetseasonoffreshgreen,ofwhichthepoetsofthesixteenthcenturysangwithsomuchfeeling:
NowthegladsomemonthofMay.
Allthingsnewlydotharray;Fairestlady,letmetoo.
Inthylovemyliferenew.
Thechirpingofthesparrowscallsme:theyclaimthecrumbsIscattertothemeverymorning.Iopenmywindow,andtheprospectofroofsopensoutbeforemeinallitssplendor.
Hewhohaslivedonlyonafirstfloorhasnoideaofthepicturesquevarietyofsuchaview.Hehasnevercontemplatedthesetile-coloredheightswhichintersecteachother;hehasnotfollowedwithhiseyesthesegutter-valleys,wherethefreshverdureoftheatticgardenswaves,thedeepshadowswhicheveningspreadsovertheslatedslopes,andthesparklingofwindowswhichthesettingsunhaskindledtoablazeoffire.HehasnotstudiedthefloraoftheseAlpsofcivilization,carpetedbylichensandmosses;heisnotacquaintedwiththemyriadinhabitantsthatpeoplethem,fromthemicroscopicinsecttothedomesticcat——thatreynardoftheroofswhoisalwaysontheprowl,orinambush;hehasnotwitnessedthethousandaspectsofaclearoracloudysky;northethousandeffectsoflight,thatmaketheseupperregionsatheatrewithever-changingscenes!Howmanytimeshavemydaysofleisurepassedawayincontemplatingthiswonderfulsight;indiscoveringitsdarkerorbrighterepisodes;inseeking,inshort,inthisunknownworldfortheimpressionsoftravelthatwealthytouristslookforlower!
Nineoclock——Butwhy,then,havenotmywingedneighborspickedupthecrumbsIhavescatteredforthembeforemywindow?Iseethemflyaway,comeback,perchupontheledgesofthewindows,andchirpatthesightofthefeasttheyareusuallysoreadytodevour!Itisnotmypresencethatfrightensthem;Ihaveaccustomedthemtoeatoutofmyhand.Then,whythisfearfulsuspense?InvainIlookaround:theroofisclear,thewindowsnearareclosed.Icrumblethebreadthatremainsfrommybreakfasttoattractthembyanamplerfeast.Theirchirpingsincrease,theybenddowntheirheads,theboldestapproachuponthewing,butwithoutdaringtoalight.
Come,come,mysparrowsarethevictimsofoneofthefoolishpanicswhichmakethefundsfallattheBourse!Itisplainthatbirdsarenotmorereasonablethanmen!
WiththisreflectionIwasabouttoshutmywindow,whensuddenlyIperceived,inaspotofsunshineonmyright,theshadowoftwopricked-upears;thenapawadvanced,thentheheadofatabby-catshoweditselfatthecornerofthegutter.Thecunningfellowwaslyingthereinwait,hopingthecrumbswouldbringhimsomegame.
AndIhadaccusedmyguestsofcowardice!Iwassosurethatnodangercouldmenacethem!IthoughtIhadlookedwelleverywhere!Ihadonlyforgottenthecornerbehindme!
Inlife,asontheroofs,howmanymisfortunescomefromhavingforgottenasinglecorner!
Tenoclock——Icannotleavemywindow;therainandthecoldhavekeptitshutsolongthatImustreconnoitrealltheenvironstobeabletotakepossessionofthemagain.Myeyessearchinsuccessionallthepointsofthejumbledandconfusedprospect,passingonorstoppingaccordingtowhattheylightupon.
Ah!seethewindowsuponwhichtheyformerlylovedtorest;theyarethoseoftwounknownneighbors,whosedifferenthabitstheyhavelongremarked.
Oneisapoorwork-woman,whorisesbeforesunrise,andwhoseprofileisshadoweduponherlittlemuslinwindow-curtainfarintotheevening;theotherisayoungsongstress,whosevocalflourishessometimesreachmyatticbysnatches.Whentheirwindowsareopen,thatofthework-womandiscoversahumblebutdecentabode;theother,anelegantlyfurnishedroom.Butto-dayacrowdoftradespeoplethrongthelatter:theytakedownthesilkhangingsandcarryoffthefurniture,andInowrememberthattheyoungsingerpassedundermywindowthismorningwithherveildown,andwalkingwiththehastystepofonewhosufferssomeinwardtrouble.Ah!Iguessitall.Hermeansareexhaustedinelegantfancies,orhavebeentakenawaybysomeunexpectedmisfortune,andnowshehasfallenfromluxurytoindigence.Whilethework-womanmanagesnotonlytokeepherlittleroom,butalsotofurnishitwithdecentcomfortbyhersteadytoil,thatofthesingerisbecomethepropertyofbrokers.Theonesparkledforamomentonthewaveofprosperity;theothersailsslowlybutsafelyalongthecoastofahumbleandlaboriousindustry.
Alas!istherenotherealessonforusall?Isitreallyinhazardousexperiments,attheendofwhichweshallmeetwithwealthorruin,thatthewisemanshouldemployhisyearsofstrengthandfreedom?Oughthetoconsiderlifeasaregularemploymentwhichbringsitsdailywages,orasagameinwhichthefutureisdeterminedbyafewthrows?Whyseektheriskofextremechances?Forwhatendhastentorichesbydangerousroads?Isitreallycertainthathappinessistheprizeofbrilliantsuccesses,ratherthanofawiselyacceptedpoverty?Ah!ifmenbutknewinwhatasmalldwellingjoycanlive,andhowlittleitcoststofurnishit!
Twelveoclock——Ihavebeenwalkingupanddownmyatticforalongtime,withmyarmsfoldedandmyeyesontheground!Mydoubtsincrease,likeshadowsencroachingmoreandmoreonsomebrightspace;myfearsmultiply;andtheuncertaintybecomeseverymomentmorepainfultome!
Itisnecessaryformetodecideto-day,andbeforetheevening!Iholdthediceofmyfuturefateinmyhands,andIdarenotthrowthem.
Threeoclock——Theskyhasbecomecloudy,andacoldwindbeginstoblowfromthewest;allthewindowswhichwereopenedtothesunshineofabeautifuldayareshutagain.Onlyontheoppositesideofthestreet,thelodgeronthelaststoryhasnotyetlefthisbalcony.
Oneknowshimtobeasoldierbyhisregularwalk,hisgraymoustaches,andtheribbonthatdecorateshisbuttonhole.Indeed,onemighthaveguessedasmuchfromthecarehetakesofthelittlegardenwhichistheornamentofhisbalconyinmid-air;fortherearetwothingsespeciallylovedbyalloldsoldiers——flowersandchildren.Theyhavebeensolong,obligedtolookupontheearthasafieldofbattle,andsolongcutofffromthepeacefulpleasuresofaquietlot,thattheyseemtobeginlifeatanagewhenothersendit.Thetastesoftheirearlyyears,whichwerearrestedbythesterndutiesofwar,suddenlybreakoutagainwiththeirwhitehairs,andarelikethesavingsofyouthwhichtheyspendagaininoldage.Besides,theyhavebeencondemnedtobedestroyersforsolongthatperhapstheyfeelasecretpleasureincreating,andseeinglifespringupagain:thebeautyofweaknesshasagraceandanattractionthemoreforthosewhohavebeentheagentsofunbendingforce;andthewatchingoverthefrailgermsoflifehasallthecharmsofnoveltyfortheseoldworkmenofdeath.
Thereforethecoldwindhasnotdrivenmyneighborfromhisbalcony.
Heisdigginguptheearthinhisgreenboxes,andcarefullysowingtheseedsofthescarletnasturtium,convolvulus,andsweet-pea.Henceforthhewillcomeeverydaytowatchfortheirfirstsprouting,toprotecttheyoungshootsfromweedsorinsects,toarrangethestringsforthetendrilstoclimbon,andcarefullytoregulatetheirsupplyofwaterandheat!
Howmuchlabortobringinthedesiredharvest!Forthat,howmanytimesshallIseehimbravecoldorheat,windorsun,ashedoesto-day!Butthen,inthehotsummerdays,whentheblindingdustwhirlsincloudsthroughourstreets,whentheeye,dazzledbytheglareofwhitestucco,knowsnotwheretorest,andtheglowingroofsreflecttheirheatuponustoburning,theoldsoldierwillsitinhisarborandperceivenothingbutgreenleavesandflowersaroundhim,andthebreezewillcomecoolandfreshtohimthroughtheseperfumedshades.Hisassiduouscarewillberewardedatlast.
Wemustsowtheseeds,andtendthegrowth,ifwewouldenjoytheflower.
Fouroclock——Thecloudsthathavebeengatheringinthehorizonforalongtimearebecomedarker;itthundersloudly,andtherainpoursdown!
Thosewhoarecaughtinitflyineverydirection,somelaughingandsomecrying.
Ialwaysfindparticularamusementinthesehelter-skelters,causedbyasuddenstorm.Itseemsasifeachone,whenthustakenbysurprise,losesthefactitiouscharacterthattheworldorhabithasgivenhim,andappearsinhistruecolors.
See,forexample,thatbigmanwithdeliberatestep,whosuddenlyforgetshisindifference,madetoorder,andrunslikeaschoolboy!Heisathriftycitygentleman,who,withallhisfashionableairs,isafraidtospoilhishat.
Thatprettywomanyonder,onthecontrary,whoselooksaresomodest,andwhosedressissoelaborate,slackensherpacewiththeincreasingstorm.Sheseemstofindpleasureinbravingit,anddoesnotthinkofhervelvetcloakspottedbythehail!Sheisevidentlyalionessinsheepsclothing.
Here,ayoungman,whowaspassing,stopstocatchsomeofthehailstonesinhishand,andexaminesthem.Byhisquickandbusiness-likewalkjustnow,youwouldhavetakenhimforatax-gathereronhisrounds,whenheisayoungphilosopher,studyingtheeffectsofelectricity.AndthoseschoolboyswholeavetheirrankstorunafterthesuddengustsofaMarchwhirlwind;thosegirls,justnowsodemure,butwhonowflywithburstsoflaughter;thosenationalguards,whoquitthemartialattitudeoftheirdaysofdutytotakerefugeunderaporch!Thestormhascausedallthesetransformations.
See,itincreases!Thehardiestareobligedtoseekshelter.Iseeeveryonerushingtowardtheshopinfrontofmywindow,whichabillannouncesistolet.Itisforthefourthtimewithinafewmonths.
Ayearagoalltheskillofthejoinerandtheartofthepainterwereemployedinbeautifyingit,buttheirworksarealreadydestroyedbytheleavingofsomanytenants;thecornicesofthefrontaredisfiguredbymud;thearabesquesonthedoorwayarespoiledbybillsposteduponthemtoannouncethesaleoftheeffects.Thesplendidshophaslostsomeofitsembellishmentswitheachchangeofthetenant.Seeitnowempty,andleftopentothepassersby.Howmuchdoesitsfateresemblethatofsomanywho,likeit,onlychangetheiroccupationtohastenthefastertoruin!
Iamstruckbythislastreflection:sincethemorningeverythingseemstospeaktome,andwiththesamewarningtone.Everythingsays:"Takecare!becontentwithyourhappy,thoughhumblelot;happinesscanberetainedonlybyconstancy;donotforsakeyouroldpatronsfortheprotectionofthosewhoareunknown!"
Aretheytheoutwardobjectswhichspeakthus,ordoesthewarningcomefromwithin?IsitnotImyselfwhogivethislanguagetoallthatsurroundsme?Theworldisbutaninstrument,towhichwegivesoundatwill.Butwhatdoesitsignifyifitteachesuswisdom?Thelowvoicethatspeaksinourbreastsisalwaysafriendlyvoice,forittellsuswhatweare,thatistosay,whatisourcapability.Badconductresults,forthemostpart,frommistakingourcalling.Therearesomanyfoolsandknaves,becausetherearesofewmenwhoknowthemselves.
Thequestionisnottodiscoverwhatwillsuitus,butforwhatwearesuited!
WhatshouldIdoamongthesemanyexperiencedfinancialspeculators?Iamonlyapoorsparrow,bornamongthehousetops,andshouldalwaysfeartheenemycrouchinginthedarkcorner;Iamaprudentworkman,andshouldthinkofthebusinessofmyneighborswhososuddenlydisappeared;Iamatimidobserver,andshouldcalltomindtheflowerssoslowlyraisedbytheoldsoldier,ortheshopbroughttoruinbyconstantchangeofmasters.Awayfromme,yebanquets,overwhichhangstheswordofDamocles!Iamacountrymouse.Givememynutsandhollowtree,andIasknothingbesides——exceptsecurity.
Andwhythisinsatiablecravingforriches?Doesamandrinkmorewhenhedrinksfromalargeglass?Whencecomesthatuniversaldreadofmediocrity,thefruitfulmotherofpeaceandliberty?Ah!thereistheevilwhich,aboveeveryother,itshouldbetheaimofbothpublicandprivateeducationtoanticipate!Ifthatweregotridof,whattreasonswouldbespared,whatbasenessavoided,whatachainofexcessandcrimewouldbeforeverbroken!Weawardthepalmtocharity,andtoself-sacrifice;but,aboveall,letusawardittomoderation,foritisthegreatsocialvirtue.Evenwhenitdoesnotcreatetheothers,itstandsinsteadofthem.
Sixoclock——Ihavewrittenaletterofthankstothepromotersofthenewspeculation,andhavedeclinedtheiroffer!Thisdecisionhasrestoredmypeaceofmind.Istoppedsinging,likethecobbler,aslongasIentertainedthehopeofriches:itisgone,andhappinessiscomeback!
ObelovedandgentlePoverty!pardonmeforhavingforamomentwishedtoflyfromthee,asIwouldfromWant.Stayhereforeverwiththycharmingsisters,Pity,Patience,Sobriety,andSolitude;beyemyqueensandmyinstructors;teachmethesterndutiesoflife;removefarfrommyabodetheweaknessofheartandgiddinessofheadwhichfollowprosperity.HolyPoverty!teachmetoendurewithoutcomplaining,toimpartwithoutgrudging,toseektheendoflifehigherthaninpleasure,fartheroffthaninpower.Thougivestthebodystrength,thoumakestthemindmorefirm;and,thankstothee,thislife,towhichtherichattachthemselvesastoarock,becomesabarkofwhichdeathmaycutthecablewithoutawakeningallourfears.Continuetosustainme,OthouwhomChristhathcalledBlessed!