IX -- THAT THE WORST PUNS ARE THE BEST
AnOxfordscholar,meetingaporterwhowascarryingaharethroughthestreets,accostshimwiththisextraordinaryquestion:"Prithee,friend,isthatthyownhare,orawig?"
Thereisnoexcusingthis,andnoresistingit.Amanmightblurtensidesofpaperinattemptingadefenceofitagainstacriticwhoshouldbelaughter-proof.Thequibbleinitselfisnotconsiderable.Itisonlyanewturngiven,byalittlefalsepronunciation,toaverymon,thoughnotverycourteousinquiry.Putbyonegentlemantoanotheratadinner-party,itwouldhavebeenvapid;tothemistressofthehouse,itwouldhaveshownmuchlesswitthanrudeness.Wemusttakeinthetotalityoftime,place,andperson;thepertlookoftheinquiringscholar,thedespondinglooksofthepuzzledporter;theonestoppingatleisure,theotherhurryingonwithhisburthen;theinnocentthoughratherabrupttendencyofthefirstmemberofthequestion,withtheutterandinextricableirrelevancyofthesecond;theplace——apublicstreet,notfavourabletofrivolousinvestigations;theaffrontivequalityoftheprimitiveinquiry(themonquestion)invidiouslytransferredtothederivative(thenewturngiventoit)intheimpliedsatire;namely,thatfewofthattribeareexpected[p259]toeatofthegoodthingswhichtheycarry,theybeinginmostcountriesconsideredratherasthetemporarytrusteesthanownersofsuchdainties,whichthefellowwasbeginningtounderstand;butthenthewigagainesin,andhecanmakenothingofit:allputtogetherconstituteapicture:Hogarthcouldhavemadeitintelligibleoncanvass.
Yetnineoutoftencriticswillpronouncethisaverybadpun,becauseofthedefectivenessintheconcludingmember,whichisitsverybeauty,andconstitutesthesurprise.ThesamepersonsshallcryupforadmirablethecoldquibblefromVirgilaboutthebrokenCremona;*becauseitismadeoutinallitspartsandleavesnothingtotheimagination.Weventuretocallitcold;becauseofthousandswhohaveadmiredit,itwouldhedifficulttofindonewhohasheartilychuckledatit.Asappealingtothejudgmentmerely(settingtherisiblefacultyaside,)wemustpronounceitamonumentofcuriousfelicity.Butassomestoriesaresaidtobetoogoodtobetrue,itmaywithequaltruthbeassertedofthisbi-verbalallusion,thatitistoogoodtobenatural.Onecannothelpsuspectingthattheincidentwasinventedtofittheline.Itwouldhavebeenbetterhaditbeenlessperfect.LikesomeVirgilianhemistichs,ithassufferedbyfillingup.ThenimiumVicinawasenoughinconscience;theCremonae,afterwardsloadsit.Itisinfactadoublepun;andwehavealwaysobservedthatasuperfoetationinthissortofwitisdangerous.Whenamanhassaidagoodthing,itisseldompolitictofollowitup.Wedonotcaretobecheatedasecondtime;or,perhaps,themindofman(withreverencebeitspoken)isnotcapaciousenoughtolodgetwopunsatatime.Theimpression,tobeforcible,mustbesimultaneousandundivided.