CONFESSIONS OF A DRUNKARD
Alas!Thehandtopilfer,andthetonguetobearfalsewitness,havenoconstitutionaltendency.Theseareactionsindifferenttothem.Atthefirstinstanceofthereformedwill,theycanbebroughtoffwithoutamurmur.Theitchingfingerisbutafigureinspeech,andthetongueoftheliarcanwiththesamenaturaldelightgiveforthusefultruthswithwhichithasbeenaccustomedtoscattertheirperniciouscontraries.Butwhenamanhasmittedsot——
Ohpause,thousturdymoralist,thoupersonofstoutnervesandastronghead,whoseliverishappilyuntouched,anderethygorgerisethatthenamewhichIhavewritten,firstlearnwhatthethingis;howmuchofpassion,howmuchofhumanallowance,thoumayestvirtuouslyminglewiththydisapprobation.Tramplenotontheruinsofaman.Exactnot,undersoterribleapenaltyasinfamy,aresuscitationfromastateofdeathalmostasrealasthatfromwhichLazarusrosenotbutbyamiracle.
Beginareformation,andcustomwillmakeiteasy.Butwhatifthebeginningbedreadful,thefirststepsnotlikeclimbingamountainbutgoingthroughfire?whatifthewholesystemmustundergoachangeviolentasthatwhichweconceiveofthemutationofforminsomeinsects?whatifaprocessparabletoflayingalivebetobegonethrough?istheweaknessthatsinksundersuchstrugglestobeconfoundedwiththepertinacitywhichclingstoothervices,whichhaveinducednoconstitutionalnecessity,noengagementofthewholevictim,bodyandsoul?
Ihaveknownoneinthatstate,whenhehastriedtoabstainbutforoneevening,——thoughthepoisonouspotionhadlongceasedtobringbackitsfirstenchantments,thoughhewassureitwouldratherdeepenhisgloomthanbrightenit,——intheviolenceofthestruggle,andthenecessityhehasfeltofgettingridofthepresentsensationatanyrate,Ihaveknownhimtoscreamout,orcryaloud,fortheanguishandpainofthestrifewithinhim.
WhyshouldIhesitatetodeclare,thatthemanofwhomIspeakismyself?Ihaveno;pulingapologytomaketomankind.Iseethenallinonewayoranotherdeviatingfromthepurereason.ItistomyownnaturealoneIamaccountableforthewoethatIhavebroughtuponit.
Ibelievethatthereareconstitutions,robustheadsandironinsides,whomscarceanyexcessescanhurt;whombrandy(Ihaveseenthemdrinkitlikewine),atalleventswhomwine,takenineversoplentifulameasure,candonoworseinjurythanjusttomuddletheirfaculties,perhapsneververypellucid.Onthemhisdiscourseiswasted.Theywouldbutlaughataweakbrother,whotryinghisstrengthwiththem,andingofffoiledfromthecontest,wouldfainpersuadethemhatsuchagonisticexercisesaredangerous.ItistoaverydifferentdescriptionofpersonsIspeak.Itistotheweak,thenervous;tothosewhofeelthewantofsomeartificialaidtoraisetheirspiritsinsocietytowhatisnomorethantheordinarypitchofallaroundthemwithoutit.Thisisthesecretofourdrinking.Suchmustflytheconvivialboardinthefirstinstance,iftheydonotmeantosellthemselvesfortermoflife.
TwelveyearsagoIhadpletedmysix-and-twentiethyear.Ihadlivedfromtheperiodofleavingschooltothattimeprettymuchinsolitude.Mypanionswerechieflybooks,oratmostoneortwolivingonesofmyownbook-lovingandsoberstamp.Iroseearly,wenttobedbetimes,andthefacultieswhichGodhadgivenme,Ihavereasontothink,didnotrustinmeunused.
AboutthattimeIfellinwithsomepanionsofadifferentorder.Theyweremenofboisterousspirits,sittersupa-nights,disputants,drunken;yetseemedtohavesomethingnobleaboutthem.Wedealtaboutthewit,orwhatpassesforitaftermidnight,jovially.OfthequalitycalledfancyIcertainlypossessedalargersharethenmypanions.Encouragedbytheirapplause,Isetupforaprofessedjoker!iwhoofallmenamleastfittedforsuchanoccupation,having,inadditiontothegreatestdifficultywhichIexperienceatalltimesoffindingwordstoexpressmymeaning,anaturalnervousimpedimentinmyspeech!
Reader,ifyouaregiftedwithnerveslikemine,aspiretoanycharacterbutthatofawit.Whenyoufindaticklingrelishuponyourtonguedisposingyoutothatsortofconversation,especiallyifyoufindapreternaturalflowofideassettinginuponyouatthesightofabottleandfreshglasses,avoidgivingwaytoitasyouwouldflyyourgreatestdestruction.Ifyoucannotcrushthepoweroffancy,orthatwithinyouwhichyoumistakeforsuch,divertit,giveitsomeotherplay.Writeanessay,penacharacterordescription,——butnotasIdonow,withtearstricklingdownyourcheeks.
Tobeanobjectofpassiontofriends,ofderisiontofoes;tobesuspectedbystrangers,statedatbyfools;tobeesteemeddullwhenyoucannotbewitty,tobeapplaudedforwittywhenyouknowthatyouhavebeendull;tobecalleduponfortheextemporaneousexerciseofthatfacultywhichnopremeditationcangive;tobespurredontoeffortswhichendincontempt;tobesetontprovokemirthwhichprocurestheprocurerhatred;togivepleasureandbepaidwithsquintingmalice;toswallowdraughtsoflife-destroyingwinewhicharetobedistilledintoairybreathtoticklevainauditors;tomortgagemiserablemorrowsfornightsofmadness;towastewholeseasoftimeuponthosewhopayitbackinlittleinconsiderabledropsofgrudgingapplause,——arethewagesofbuffooneryanddeath.
Time,whichhasasurestrokeatdissolvingallconnectionswhichhavenosoliderfasteningthanthisliquidcement,morekindtomethanmyowntasteorpenetration,atlengthopenedmyeyestothesupposedqualityofmyfirstfriends.Notraceofthemisleftbutintheviceswhichtheyintroduced,andthehabitstheyinfixed.Inthemmyfriendssurvivestill,andexerciseampleretributionforanysupposedinfidelitythatImayhavebeenguiltyoftowardsthem.
Mynextmoreimmediatepanionswereandarepersonsofsuchintrinsicandfeltworth,thatthoughaccidentallytheiracquaintancehasprovedpernicioustome,Idonotknowthatifthethingweretodooveragain,Ishouldhavethecouragetoeschewthemischiefatthepriceofforfeitingthebenefit.Icametothemreekingfromthesteamsofmylateover-heatednotionsofpanionship;andtheslightestfuelwhichtheyunconsciouslyafforded,wassufficienttofeedmyoldfiresintoapropensity.
Theywerenodrinkers,butone,fromprofessionalhabits,andanother,fromacustomderivedfromhisfather,smokedtobacco.Thedevilcouldnothavedevisedamoresubtletraptore-takeabackslidingpenitent.Thetransition,fromgulpingdowndraughtsofliquidfiretopuffingoutinnocuousblastsofdrysmoke,wassolikecheatinghim.Butheistoohardforuswhenwehopetomute.Hebeatsusatbarter;andwhenwethinktosetoffanewfailingagainstanoldinfirmity,tisoddsbutthatheputsthetrickuponusoftwoforone.That(paratively)whitedeviloftobaccobroughtwithhimintheendsevenworsethanhimself.
Itwereimpertinenttocarrythereaderthroughalltheprocessesbywhich,fromsmokingatfirstwithmaltliquor,Itookmydegreesthroughthinwines,throughstrongerwineandwater,throughsmallpunch,tothosejugglingpositionswhich,underthenameofmixedliquors,sluragreatdealofbrandyorotherpoisonunderlessandlesswatercontinually,untiltheyenexttonone,andsotononeatall.ButitishatefultodisclosethesecretsofmyTartarus.
Ishouldrepelmyreaders,fromamereincapacityofbelievingme,wereItotellthemwhattobaccohasbeentome,thedrudgingservicewhichIhavepaid,theslaverywhichIhavevowedtoit.Here,whenIhaveresolvedtoquitit,afeelingasofingratitudehasstartedup;howithasputuponpersonalclaims,andmadethedemandsofafrienduponme.Howthereadingofitcasuallyinabook,aswhereAdamstakeshiswhiffinthechimney-cornerofsomeinnin"JosephAndrews"orPiscatorinthe"CompleteAngler"breakshisfastuponamorningpipeinthatdelicateroomPiscatoribusSacrum,hasinamomentbrokendowntheresistanceofweeks.Howapipewaseverinmymidnightpathbeforeme,tillthevisionforcedmetorealiseit,——howthenitsascendingvapourscurled,itsfragrancelulled,andthethousanddeliciousministeringsconversantaboutit,employingeveryfaculty,extractedthesenseofpain.Howfromilluminatingitcametodarken,fromaquicksolaceitturnedtoanegativerelief,thencetoarestlessnessanddissatisfaction,thencetoapositivemisery.How,evennow,whenthewholesecretstandsconfessedinallitsdreadfultruthbeforeme,Ifeelmyselflinkedtoitbeyondthepowerofrevocation.Boneofmybone——
Personsnotaccustomedtoexaminethemotivesoftheiractions,toreckonupthecountlessnailsthatrivetthechainsofhabit,orperhapsbeingboundbynonesoobdurateasthoseIhaveconfessedto,mayrecoilfromthisasfromanoverchargedpicture.Butwhatshortofsuchabondageisit,which,inspiteofprotestingfriends,aweepingwife,andareprobatingworld,chainsdownmanyapoorfellow,ofnooriginalindispositiontogoodness,tohispipeandhispot?
IhaveseenaprintafterCorreggio,inwhichthreefemalefiguresareministeringtoamanwhositsfastboundtotherootofatree.Sensualityissoothinghim,EvilHabitisnailinghimtoabranch,andRepugnanceatthesameinstantoftimeisapplyingasnaketohisside.Inhisfaceisfeebledelight,therecollectionofpastratherthanperceptionofpresentpleasures,languidenjoymentofevilwithutterimbecilitytogood,aSybariticeffeminacy,asubmissiontobondage,thespringsofthewillgonedownlikeabrokenclock,thesinandthesufferingco-instantaneous,orthelatterforerunningtheformer,remorseprecedingaction-allthisrepresentedinonepointoftime.WhenIsawthis,Iadmiredthewonderfulskillofthepainter.ButwhenIwentaway,Iwept,becauseIthoughtofmyowncondition.
Ofthatthereisnohopethatitshouldeverchange.Thewatershavegoneoverme.Butoutoftheblackdepths,couldIbeheard,Iwouldcryouttoallthosewhohavebutsetafootintheperilousflood.Couldtheyouth,towhomtheflavourofhisfirstwineisdeliciousastheopeningscenesoflifeortheenteringuponsomenewly-discoveredparadise,lookintomydesolation,andbemadetounderstandwhatadrearythingitiswhenamanshallfeelhimselfgoingdownaprecipicewithopeneyesandapassivewill,——toseehisdestructionandhavenopowertostopit,andyettofeelitallthewayemanatingfromhimself;toperceiveallgoodnessemptiedoutofhim,andyetnottobeabletoforgetatimewhenitwasotherwise;tobearaboutthepiteousspectacleofhisownself-ruins:——couldheseemyfeveredeye,feverishwithlastnightsdrinking,andfeverishlylookingforthisnightsrepetitionofthefolly;couldhefeelthebodyofthedeathoutofwhichIcryhourlywithfeeblerandfeebleroutcrytobedelivered,——itwereenoughtomakehimdashthesparklingbeveragetotheearthinalltheprideofitsmantlingtemptation;tomakehimclasphisteeth
andnotundoem
TosufferWETDAMNATIONtorunthroem.
Yea,but(methinksIhearsomebodyobject)ifsobrietybethefinethingyouwouldhaveustounderstand,ifthefortsofacoolbrainaretobepreferredtothatstateofheatedexcitementwhichyoudescribeanddeplore,whathinders,inyourinstance,thatyoudonotreturntothosehabitsfromwhichyouwouldinduceothersnevertoswerve?iftheblessingbeworthpreserving,isitnotworthrecovering?
Recovering!——Ohifawishcouldtransportmebacktothosedaysofyouth,whenadraughtfromthenextclearspringcouldslakeanyheatswhichsummersunsandyouthfulexercisehadpowertostirupintheblood,howgladlywouldIreturntothee,pureelement,thedrinkofchildren,andofchild-likeholyhermit!InmydreamsIcansometimesfancythycoolrefreshmentpurlingovermyburningtongue.Butmywakingstomachrejectsit.Thatwhichrefreshesinnocenceonlymakesmesickandfaint.
Butistherenomiddlewaybetwixttotalabstinenceandtheexcesswhichkillsyou?Foryoursake,reader,andthatyoumayneverattaintomyexperience,withpainImustutterthedreadfultruth,thatthereisnone,nonethatIcanfind.Inmystageofhabit(Ispeaknotofhabitslessconfirmed-forsomeofthemIbelievetheadvicetobemostprudential),inthestagewhichIhavereached,tostopshortofthatmeasurewhichissufficienttodrawontorporandsleep,thebenumbingapoplecticsleepofthedrunkard,istohavetakennoneatall.Thepainoftheself-denialisallone.Andwhatthatis,Ihadratherthereadershouldbelieveonmycredit,thanknowfromhisowntrial.Hewilletoknowit,wheneverheshallarriveinthatstateinwhich,paradoxicalasitmayappear,reasonshallonlyvisithimthroughintoxication:foritisafearfultruththattheintellectualfaculties,byrepeatedactsofintemperance,maybedrivenfromtheirorderlysphereofaction,theircleardaylightministries,untiltheyshallbebroughtatlasttodepend,forthefaintmanifestationsoftheirdepartingenergies,uponthereturningperiodsofthefatalmadnesstowhichtheowetheirdevastation.Thedrinkingmanisneverlesshimselfthanduringhissoberintervals.Evilissofarhisgood.*
[Footnote]*WhenpoorM——paintedhislastpicture,withapencilinonetremblinghand,andaglassofbrandyandwaterintheother,hisfingersowedtheparativesteadinesswithwhichtheywereenabledtogothroughtheirtask,inanimperfectmanner,toatemporaryfirmnessderivedfromarepetitionofpractices,thegeneraleffectofwhichhadshakenboththemandhiskinsoterribly.
Beholdme,then,intherobustperiodoflife,reducedtoimbecilityanddecay.Hearmecountmygains,andtheprofitswhichIhavederivedfromthemidnightcup.
Twelveyearsago,Iwaspossessedofahealthyframeofmindandbody.Iwasneverstrong,butIthinkmyconstitution(foraweakone)wasashappilyexemptfromthetendencytoanymaladyasitwaspossibletobe.Iscarceknewwhatitwastoailanything.Now,exceptwhenIamlosingmyselfinaseaofdrink,Iamneverfreefromthoseuneasysensationsinheadandstomach,whicharesomuchworsetobearthananydefinitepainsoraches.
AtthattimeIwasseldominbedaftersixinthemorning,summerandwinter.Iawokerefreshed,andseldomwithoutsomemerrythoughtsinmyhead,orsomepieceofasongtowelethenew-bornday.Now,thefirstfeelingwhichbesetsme,afterstretchingoutthehoursofrecumbencetotheirlastpossibleextent,isaforecastofthewearisomedaythatliesbeforeme,withasecretwishthatIcouldhavelainonstill,orneverawaked.
Lifeitself,mywakinglife,hasmuchoftheconfusion,thetrouble,andobscureperplexity,ofanilldream.InthedaytimeIstumbleupondarkmountains.
Business,which,thoughneververyparticularlyadaptedtomynature,yetassomethingofnecessitytobegonethrough,andthereforebestundertakenwithcheerfulness,Iusedtoenteruponwithsomedegreeofalacrity,nowwearies,affrights,perplexesme.Ifancyallsortsofdiscouragements,andamreadytogiveupanoccupationwhichgivesmebread,fromaharassingconceitofincapacityTheslightestmissiongivenmebyafriend,oranysmalldutywhichIhavetoperformformyself,asgivingorderstoatradesman,&c.,hauntsmeasalabourimpossibletobegotthrough.Somuchthespringsofactionarebroken.
Thesamecowardiceattendsmeinallmyintercoursewithmankind.Idarenotpromisethatafriendshonour,orhiscause,wouldbesafeinmykeeping,ifIwereputtotheexpenseofmoralactionaredeadenedwithinme.
Myfavouriteoccupationsintimespastnowceasetoentertain.Icandonothingreadily.Applicationforeversoshortatimekillsme.Thispoorabstractofmyconditionwaspennedatlongintervals,withscarcelyanyattemptatconnectionofthought,whichisnowdifficulttome.
Thenoblepassageswhichformerlydelightedmeinhistoryorpoeticfiction,nowonlydrawafewweaktears,alliedtodotage.Mybrokenanddispiritednatureseemstosinkbeforeanythinggreatandadmirable.
Iperpetuallycatchmyselfintears,foranycause,ornone.Itisinexpressiblehowmuchthisinfirmityaddstoasenseofshame,andageneralfeelingofdeterioration.
Thesearesomeoftheinstances,concerningwhichIcansaywithtruth,thatitwasnotalwayssowithme.
ShallIliftuptheveilofmyweaknessanyfurther?oristhisdisclosuresufficient?
Iamapoornamelessegotist,whohavenovanitytoconsultbytheseconfessions.IknownotwhetherIshallbelaughedat,orheardseriously.Suchastheyare,Imendthemtothereadersattention,ifhefindshisowncaseanywaytouched.IhavetoldhimwhatIameto.Lethimstopintime.