REJOICINGS UPON THE NEW YEAR'S COMING OF AGE
AlltheDayscametotheirday.Coverswereprovidedforthreehundredandsixty-fiveguestsattheprincipaltable;withanoccasionalknifeandforkatthesideboardfortheTwenty-NinthofFebruary.
Ishouldhavetoldyou,thatcardsofinvitationhadbeenissued.ThecarriersweretheHours;twelvelittle,merry,whirligigfootpages,asyoushoulddesiretosee,thatwentallround,andfoundoutthepersonsinvitedwellenough,withtheexceptionofEasterDay,ShroveTuesday,andafewsuchMoveables,whohadlatelyshiftedtheirquarters.
Well,theyallmetatlast,foulDays,fineDays,allsortsofDays,andararedintheymadeofit.Therewasnothingbut,HailfellowDay,wellmet——brotherDay——sisterDay,——onlyLadyDaykeptalittleonthealoof,andseemedsomewhatscornful.Yetsomesaid,TwelfthDaycutheroutandout,forshecameinatiffanysuit,whiteandgold,likeaqueenonafrost-cake,allroyal,glittering,andEpiphanous.Therestcame,someingreen,someinwhit——butoldLentandhisfamilywerenotyetoutofmourning.RainyDayscamein,dripping;andsun-shinyDayshelpedthemtochangetheirstockings.WeddingDaywasthereinhismarriagefinery,alittletheworseforwear.PayDaycamelate,ashealwaysdoesandDoomsdaysentword——hemightbeexpected.
AprilFool(asmyyounglordsjester)tookuponhimselftomarshaltheguests,andwildworkhemadewithit.ItwouldhaveposedoldErraPatertohavefoundoutanygivenDayintheyear,toerectaschemeupon——goodDays,badDays,weresoshuffledtogether,totheconfoundingofallsoberhoroscopy.
HehadstucktheTwentyFirstofJunenexttotheTwentySecondofDecember,andtheformerlookedlikeaMaypolesidingamarrow-bone.AshWednesdaygotwedgedin(aswasconcerted)betwixtChristmasandLordMayorsDays.Lord!howhelaidabouthim!Nothingbutbaronsofbeefandturkeyswouldgodownwithhim——tothegreatgreasinganddetrimentofhisnewsackclothbibandtucker.AndstillChristmasDaywasathiselbow,plyinghimthewassail-bowl,tillheroared,andhiccupd,andprotestedtherewasnofaithindriedling,butmendedittothedevilforasour,windy,acrimonious,censorious,hy-po-crit-crit-criticalmess,andnodishforagentleman.Thenhedipthisfistintothemiddleofthegreatcustardthatstoodbeforehisleft-handneighbour,anddaubedhishungrybeardalloverwithit,tillyouwouldhavetakenhimfortheLastDayinDecember,itsohunginicicles.
Atanotherpartofthetable,ShroveTuesdaywashelpingtheSecondofSeptembertosomecockbroth,——whichcourtesythelatterreturnedwiththedelicatethighofahenpheasant——sotherewasnolovelostforthatmatter.TheLastofLentwasspunginguponShrovetidespancakes;whichAprilFoolperceiving,toldhimhedidwell,forpancakeswerepropertoagoodfry-day.
Inanotherpart,ahubbubaroseabouttheThirtiethofJanuary,who,itseems,beingasourpuritaniccharacter,thatthoughtnobodysmeatgoodorsanctifiedenoughforhim,hadsmuggledintotheroomacalfshead,whichhehadhadcookedathomeforthatpurpose,thinkingtofeastthereonincontinently;butasitlayinthedish,MarchManyweathers,whoisaveryfinelady,andsubjecttothemegrims,screamedouttherewasa"humanheadintheplatter,"andravedaboutHerodiasdaughtertothatdegree,thattheobnoxiousviandwasobligedtoberemoved;nordidsherecoverherstomachtillshehadgulpeddownaRestorative,confectedofOakApple,whichthemerryTwentyNinthofMayalwayscarriesaboutwithhimforthatpurpose.
TheKingshealth*beingcalledforafterthis,anotabledisputearosebetweentheTwelfthofAugust(azealousoldWhiggentlewoman,)andtheTwentyThirdofApril(anew-fangledladyoftheTorystamp,)astowhichofthemshouldhavethehonourtoproposeit.Augustgrewhotuponthematter,affirmingtimeoutofmindtheprescriptiverighttohavelainwithher,herrivalhadbaselysupplantedher;whomsherepresentedaslittlebetterthanakeptmistress,whowentaboutinfineclothes,whileshe(thelegitimateBIRTHDAY)hadscarcelyarag,&c.
[Footnote]*ThelateKing.
AprilFool,beingmademediator,confirmedtherightinthestrongestformofwordstotheappellant,butdecidedforpeacesakethattheexerciseofitshouldremainwiththepresentpossessor.Atthesametime,heslilyroundedthefirstladyinthecar,thatanactionmightlieagainsttheCrownforbi-geny.
Itbeginningtogrowalittleduskish,Candlemaslustilybawledoutforlights,whichwasopposedbyalltheDays,whoprotestedagainstburningdaylight.Thenfairwaterwashandedroundinsilverewers,andthesameladywasobservedtotakeanunusualtimeinWashingherself.
MayDay,withthatsweetnesswhichispeculiartoher,inaneatspeechproposingthehealthofthefounder,crownedhergoblet(andbyherexampletherestofthepany)withgarlands.Thisbeingdone,thelordlyNewYearfromtheupperendofthetable,inacordialbutsomewhatloftytone,returnedthanks.Hefeltproudonanoccasionofmeetingsomanyofhisworthyfatherslatetenants,promisedtoimprovetheirfarms,andatthesametimetoabate(ifanythingwasfoundunreasonable)intheirrents.
Atthementionofthis,thefourQuarterDaysinvoluntarilylookedateachother,andsmiled;AprilFoolwhistledtoanoldtuneof"NewBrooms;"andasurlyoldrebelatthefartherendofthetable(whowasdiscoveredtonootherthantheFifthofNovember,)mutteredout,distinctlyenoughtoheheardbythewholepany,wordstothiseffect,that,"whentheoldoneisgone,heisafoolthatlooksforabetter."Whichrudenessofhis,theguestsresenting,unanimouslyvotedhisexpulsion;andthemale-contentwasthrustoutneckandheelsintothecellar,astheproperestplaceforsuchaboutefeuandfirebrandashehadshownhimselftobe.
Orderbeingrestored——theyounglord(whotosaytruth,hadbeenalittleruffled,andputbesidehisoratory)inasfew,andyetasobligingwordsaspossible,assuredthemofentirewele;and,withagracefulturn,singlingoutpoorTwentyNinthofFebruary,thathadsateallthiswhilemumchanceattheside-board,beggedtocouplehishealthwiththatofthegoodpanybeforehim——whichhedrankaccordingly;observing,thathehadnotseenhishonestfaceanytimethesefouryears,withanumberofendearingexpressionsbesides.Atthesametime,removingthesolitaryDayfromtheforlornseatwhichhadbeenassignedhimhestationedhimathisownboard,somewherebetweentheGreekCalendsandLatterLammas.
AshWednesday,beingnowcalleduponforasong,withhiseyesfaststuckinhishead,andaswellastheCanaryhehadswallowedwouldgivehimleave,struckupaCarol,whichChristmasDayhadtaughthimforthenonce,andwasfollowedbythelatter,whogave"Miserere"infinestyle,hittingoffthemumpingnotesandlengtheneddrawlofOldMortificationwithinfinitehumour.AprilFoolsworetheyhadexchangedconditions,butGoodFridaywasobservedtolookextremelygrave,andSundayheldherfanbeforeherface,thatshemightnotbeseentosmile.
Shrove-tide,LordMayorsDay,andAprilFool,nextjoinedinaglee——
Whatistheproperestdaytodrink?inwhichalltheDayschimingin,madeamerryburden.
Theynextfelltoquibblesandconundrums.Thequestionbeingproposed,whohadthegreatestnumberoffollowers——theQuarter-Dayssaid,therecouldbenoquestionastothat,fortheyhadallthecreditorsintheworlddoggingtheirheels.ButApril-Foolwholikesabitofsportabovemeasure,andhadsomepretensionstotheladybesides,asbeingbutacousinonceremoved,——clappedandhallodthemon,andasfastastheirindignationcooled,thosemadwags,theEmber-Days,wereatitwiththeirbellows,toblowitintoaflame,andallwasinaferment:tilloldMadamSeptuagesima(whoboastsherselftheMother-of-the-Days)wiselydivertedtheconversationwithatedioustaleoftheloverswhichshecouldreckonwhenshewasyoung,andofoneMasterRogation-Dayinparticular,whowasforeverputtingthequestiontoher,butshekepthimatadistance,asthechroniclewouldtell——bywhichIapprehendshemeanttheAlmanack.ThensherambledontotheDaysthatweregone,thegoodoldDays,andsototheDaysbeforetheFlood——whichplainlyshowedheroldheadtobealittlebetterthancrazedanddoited.
Daybeingended,theDayscalledfortheircloaksandgreatcoats,andtooktheirleaves.Lord-Mayors-DaywentoffinaMist,asusual,Shortest-DayinadeepblackFog,thatwraptthelittlegentlemanallroundlikeahedge-hog.TwoVigils——sowatchmenarecalledinheaven-sawChristmas-Daysafehome——theyhadbeenusedtothebusinessbore.AnotherVigil——astout,sturdypatrole,calledtheEve-of-St-Christopher——seeingAsh-Wednesdayinaconditionlittlebetterthanheshouldbe——eenwhipthimoverhisshoulders,pick-a-backfashion,andOld-Mortificationwentfloatinghome,singing——
OnthebatsbackdoIfly,
andanumberofoldsnatchesbesides,betweendrunkandsober,butveryfewAvesorPenitentiaries(youmaybelieveme)wereamongthem.Longest-Daysetoffwestwardinbeautifulcrimsonandgold——therest,someinonefashion,someinanother,butValentineandprettyMaytooktheirdeparturetogetherinoneoftheprettiestsilvertwilightsaLoversDaycouldwishtosetin.