NEWSPAPERS THIRTY-FIVE YEARS AGO
AwordortwoofD.S.HeeverappearedtousoneofthefinesttemperedofEditors.Perry,oftheMorningChronicle,wasequallypleasant,withadash,noslightoneeither,ofthecourtier.S.wasfrank,plain,andEnglishallover.Wehaveworkedforboththesegentlemen.
ItissoothingtocontemplatetheheadoftheGanges;totracethefirstlittlebubblingsofamightyriver;
Withholyreverencetoapproachtherocks,
WhenceglidetheStreamsrenownedinancientsong.
FiredwithaperusaloftheAbyssinianPilgrimsexploratorramblingsafterthecradleoftheinfantNilus,wewellrememberononefinesummerholyday(a"wholedaysleave"wecalledatChristsHospital)sallyingforthatriseofsun,notverywell-provisionedeitherforsuchanundertaking,totracethecurrenttheNewRiver——Middletonianstream!——toitsscaturientsource,aswehadread,inmeadowsbyfairAmwell.Gallantlydidwemenceoursolitaryquest——foritwasessentialtothedignity,ofaDiscovery,thatnoeyeofschoolboy,saveourown,shouldbeamonthedetection.Byfloweryspots,andverdantlanes,skirtingHornsey,Hopetrainedusoninmanyabafflingturn;endlesshopelessmeanders,asitseemed;orasifthejealouswatershaddodgedus,reluctanttohavethehumblespotoftheirnativityrevealed;tillspent,andnighfamished,beforesetofthesamesunwesatedownsomewherebyBowesFarm,nearTottenham,withatitheofourproposedlaboursonlyyetacplished;sorelyconvincedinspirit,thatthatBrucianenterprisewasasyettooarduousforouryoungshoulders.
Notmorerefreshingtothethirstycuriosityofthetravelleristhetracingofsomemightywatersuptotheirshallowfontlet,thanitistoapleasedandcandidreadertogobacktotheinexperiencedessays,thefirstcallowflightsinauthorship,ofsomeestablishednameinliterature;fromtheGnatwhichpreludedtotheAeneid,totheDuckwhichSamuelJohnsontrodon.
InthosedayseveryMorningPaper,asanessentialretainertoitsestablishment,keptanauthor,whowasboundtofurnishdailyaquantumofwittyparagraphs.Sixpenceajoke——anditwasthoughtprettyhightoo——wasDanStuartssettledremunerationinthesecases.Thechatoftheday,scandal,but,aboveall,dress,furnishedthematerial.Thelengthofnoparagraphwastoexceedsevenlines.Shortertheymightbe,buttheymusthepoignant.
Afashionofflesh,orratherpink-colouredhosefortheladies,luckilyingupatthejuncture,whenwewereonourprobationfortheplaceofChiefJestertoS.sPaper,establishedourreputationinthatline.Wewerepronounceda"capitalhand."Otheconceitswhichwevarieduponredinallitsprismaticdifferences!fromthetriteandobviousflowerofCytherea,totheflamingcostumeoftheladythathashersittingupon"manywaters."Thentherewasthecollateraltopicofancles.Whatanoccasiontoatrulychastewriter,likeourself,oftouchingthatnicebrink,andyetnevertumblingoverit,ofaseeminglyeverapproximatingsomething"notquiteproper;"while,likeaskilfulposture-master,balancingbetwixtdecorumsandtheiropposites,hekeepstheline,fromwhichahairs-breadthdeviationisdestruction;hoveringintheconfinesoflightanddarkness,orwhere"bothseemeither;"ahazyuncertaindelicacy;Autolycus-likeinthePlay,stillputtingoffhisexpectantauditorywith"Whoop,domenoharm,goodman!"But,aboveall,thatconceitarridedusmostatthattime,andstillticklesourmidrifftoremember,where,allusivelytotheflightofAstraea——ultimaCoelestumterrasreliquit——wepronounced——inreverencetothestockingsstill——thatMODESTYTAKINGHERFINALLEAVEOFMORTALS,HERLASTBLUSHWASVISIBLEINHERASCENTTOTHEHEAVENSBYTHETRACTOFTHEGLOWINGINSTEP.Thismightbecalledthecrowningconceit;andwasesteemedtolerablewritinginthosedays.
Butthefashionofjokes,withallotherthings,passesaway;asdidthetransientmodewhichhadsofavouredus.Theanclesofourfairfriendsinafewweeksbegantoreassumetheirwhiteness,andleftusscarcealegtostandupon.Otherfemalewhimsfollowed,butnone,methought,sopregnant,soinvitatoryofshrewdconceits,andmorethansinglemeanings.Somebodyhassaid,thattoswallowsixcross-bunsdailyconsecutivelyforafortnightwouldsurfeitthestoutestdigestion.Buttohavetofurnishasmanyjokesdaily,andthatnotforafortnight,butforalongtwelvemonth,aswewereconstrainedtodo,wasalittleharderexecution."Mangoethforthtohisworkuntiltheevening"——fromareasonablehourinthemorning,weresumeitwasmeant.NowasourmainoccupationtookusupfromeighttillfiveeverydayintheCity;andasoureveninghours,atthattimeOflife,hadgenerallytodowithanythingotherthanbusiness,itfollows,thattheonlytimewecouldspareforthismanufactoryofjokes——oursupplementarylivelihood,thatsuppliedusineverywantbeyondmerebreadandcheese——wasexactlythatpartofthedaywhich(aswehaveheardofNoMansLand)maybefitlydenominatedNoMansTime;thatis,notimeinwhichamanoughttobeup,andawake,in.Tospeakmoreplainly,itisthattime,ofanhour,oranhourandahalfsduration,inwhichaman,whoseoccasionscallhimupsopreposterously,hastowaitforhisbreakfast.
Ohthoseheadachesatdawnofday,whenatfive,orhalf-past-fiveinsummer,andnotmuchlaterinthedarkseasons,wewerepelledtorise,havingbeenperhapsnotabovefourhoursinbed——forwewerenogo-to-bedswiththelamb,thoughweanticipatedhelarkofttimesinherrising——welikedapartingcupatmidnight,asallyoungmendidbeforetheseeffeminatetimes,andtohaveourfriendsaboutus——wewerenotconstellatedunderAquarius,thatwaterysign,andthereforeincapableofBacchus,cold,washy,bloodless——wewerenoneofyourBasilianwater-sponges,norhadtakenourdegreesatMountAgue——wewererighttopingCapulets,jollypanions,weandthey)——buttohavetogetup,aswesaidbefore,curtailedofhalfourfairsleep,fasting,withonlyadimvistaofrefreshingBoheainthedistance——tobenecessitatedtorouseourselvesatthedestestablerapofanoldhagofadomestic,whoseemedtotakeadiabolicalpleasureinherannouncementthatitwas"timetorise;"andwhosechappyknuckleswehaveoftenyearnedtoamputate,andstringthemupatourchamberdoor,tobeaterrortoallsuchunseasonablerest-breakersinfuture——"Facil"andsweet,asVirgilsings,hadbeenthe"descending"oftheover-night,balmythefirstsinkingoftheheavyheaduponthepillow;buttogetup,ashegoesontosay,——
revocaregradus,Superasqueevadereadauras——
andtogetupmoreovertomakejokeswithmaliceprepended——therewasthe"labour,"therethe"work."
NoEgyptiantaskmastereverdevisedaslaveryliketothat,ourslavery.Nofractiousoperantseverturnedoutforhalfthetyranny,whichthisnecessityexerciseduponus.Halfadozenjestsinaday(batingSundaystoo),why,itseemsnothing!Wemaketwicethenumbereverydayinourlivesasamatterofcourse,andclaimnoSabbaticalexemptions.Butthentheyeintoourhead.Butwhentheheadhastogoouttothem——whenthemountainmustetoMahomet——
Reader,tryitforonce,onlyforoneshorttwelvemonth.
Itwasnoteveryweekthatafashionofpinkstockingscameup;butmostly,insteadofit,somerugged,untractablesubject;sometopicimpossibletobecontortedintotherisible;somefeature,uponwhichnosmilecouldplay;someflint,fromwhichnoprocessofingenuitycouldprocureadistillation.Theretheylay;thereyourappointedtaleofbrick-makingwassetbeforeyou,whichyoumustfinish,withorwithoutstraw,asithappened.ThecravingDragon——thePublic——likehiminBelstemple——mustbefed;itexpecteditsdailyrations;andDaniel,andourselves,todousjustice,didthebestwecouldonthissideburstinghim.
WhilewewerewringingourcoysprightlinessforthePost,andwrithingunderthetoilofwhatiscalled"easywriting,"BobAllen,ourquondamschoolfellow,wastappinghisimpracticablebrainsinalikeserviceforthe"Oracle."NotthatRoberttroubledhimselfmuchaboutwit.Ifhisparagraphshadasprightlyairaboutthem,itwassufficient.Hecarriedthisnonchalancesofaratlast,thatamatterofintelligence,andthatnoveryimportantone,wasnotseldompalmeduponhisemployersforagoodjest;forexamplesake——"WalkingyesterdaymorningcasuallyownSnowHill,whoshouldwemeetbutDeputyHumphreys!werejoicetoadd,thattheworthyDeputyappearedtoenjoyagoodstateofhealth.Wedonotrememberevertohaveseenhimlookbetter."Thisgentleman,sosurprisinglymetuponSnowHill,fromsomepeculiaritiesingaitorgesture,wasaconstantbuttformirthtothesmallparagraph-mongersoftheday;andourfriendthoughtthathemighthavehisflingathimwiththerest.WemetA.inHolbornshortlyafterthisextraordinaryrencounter,whichhetoldwithtearsofsatisfactioninhiseyes,andchucklingattheanticipatedeffectsofitsannouncementnextdayinthepaper.Wedidnotquiteprehendwherethewitofitlayatthetime;norwasiteasytobedetected,whenthethingcameout,advantagedbytypeandletter-press.HehadbetterhavemetanythingthatmorningthanaCommonCouncilMan.Hisserviceswereshortlyafterdispensedwith,onthepleathathisParagraphsoflatehadbeendeficientinpoint.Theoneinquestion,itmustbeowned,hadanair,intheopeningespecially,propertoawakencuriosity;andthesentiment,ormoral,wearstheaspectofhumanity,andgoodneighbourlyfeeling.Butsomehowtheconclusionwasnotjudgedaltogethertoanswertothemagnificentpromiseofthepremises.Wetracedourfriendspenafterwardsinthe"TrueBriton,"the"Star,"the"Traveller,"——fromallwhichhewassuccessivelydismissed,theProprietorshaving"nofurtheroccasionforhisservices."Nothingwaseasierthantodetecthim.Whenwitfailed,ortopicsranlow,thereconstantlyappearedthefollowing——ItisnotgenerallyknownthatthethreeBlueBallsatthePawnbrokersshopsaretheancientarmsofLombardy.TheLombardswerethefirstmoney-brokersinEurope."Bobhasdonemoretosetthepublicrightonthisimportantpointofblazonry,thanthewholeCollegeofHeralds.
TheappointmentofaregularwithaslongceasedtobeapartoftheeconomyofaMorningPaper.Editorsfindtheirownjokes,ordoaswellwithoutthem.ParsonEste,andTopham,broughtupthesetcustomof"wittyparagraphs,"firstinthe"World."Boadenwasareigningparagraphistinhisday,andsucceededpoorAllenintheOracle.But,aswesaid,thefashionofjokespassesaway;anditwouldbedifficulttodiscoverintheBiographerofMrs.Siddons,anytracesofthatvivacityandfancywhichcharmedthewholetownatthemencementofthepresentcentury.Eventheprelusivedelicaciesofthepresentwriter——thecurt"Astraeanallusion"——wouldbethoughtpedantic,andoutofdate,inthesedays.
FromtheofficeoftheMorningPost(forwemayaswellexhaustourNewspaperReminiscencesatonce)bychangeofpropertyinthepaper,weweretransferred,mortifyingexchange!totheofficeoftheAlbionNewspaper,lateRackstrowsMuseum,inFleet-streetWhatatransition——fromahandsomeapartment,fromrose-wooddesks,andsilver-inkstands,toanoffice——nooffice,butadenrather,butjustredeemedfromtheoccupationofdeadmonstersofwhichitseemedredolent——fromthecentreofloyaltyandfashion,toafocusofvulgarityandsedition!Hereinmurkycloset,inadequatefromitssquarecontentstothereceiptofthetwobodiesofEditor,andhumbleparagraph-maker,togetheratonetime,satinthedischargeofhisnewEditorialfunctions(the"Bigod"ofElia)theredoubtedJohnFenwick.
F.,withoutaguineainhispocket,andhavingleftnotmanyinthepocketsofhisfriendswhomhemightmand,hadpurchased(ontickdoubtless)thewholeandsoleEditorship,Proprietorship,withalltherightsandtitles(suchastheywereworth)oftheAlbion,fromoneLovell;ofwhomweknownothing,savethathehadstoodinthepilloryforalibelonthePrinceofWales.Withthishopelessconcern——forithadbeensinkingeversinceitsmencement,andcouldnowreckonuponnotmorethanahundredsubscribersresolutelydetermineuponpullingdowntheGovernmentinthefirstinstance,andmakingbothourfortunesbywayofcorollary.ForsevenweeksandmoredidthisinfatuatedDemocratgoaboutborrowingsevenshillingpieces,andlessercoin,tomeetthedailydemandsoftheStampOffice,whichallowednocredittopublicationsofthatsideinpolitics.Anoutcastfrompoliterbread,weattachedoursmalltalentstotheforlornfortunesofourfriend.Ouroccupationnowwastowritetreason.
Recollectionsoffeelings——whichwereallthatnowremainedfromourfirstboyishheatskindledbytheFrenchRevolution,whenifweweremisled,weerredinthepanyofsome,whoareaccountedverygoodmennow——ratherthananytendencyatthistimetoRepublicandoctrinesassistedusinassumingastyleofwriting,whilethepaperlasted,consonantinnoveryunder-tonetotherightearnestfanaticismofF.Ourcuewasnowtoinsinuate,ratherthanremend,possibleabdications.Blocks,axes,Whitehalltribunals,werecoveredwithflowersofsocunningaperiphrasis——asMr.Bayessays,nevernamingthethingdirectly——thatthekeeneyeofanAttorneyGeneralwasinsufficienttodetectthelurkingsnakeamongthem.Thereweretimes,indeed,whenwesighedforourmoregentleman-likeoccupationunderStuart.Butwithchangeofmastersitiseverchangeofservice.Alreadyoneparagraph,andanother,aswelearnedafterwardsfromagentlemanattheTreasury,hadbeguntobemarkedatthatoffice,withaviewofitsbeingsubmittedatleasttotheattentionoftheproperLawOfficers——whenanunlucky,orratherluckyepigramfromourPen,aimedatSirJ——sM——h,whowasontheeveofdepartingforIndiatoreapthefruitsofhisapostacy,asF.pronouncedit,(itishardyworthparticularising),happeningtooffendthenicesenseofLord,or,ashethendelightedtobecalled,CitizenStanhope,deprivedF.atoneofthelasthopesofaguineafromthelastpatronthathadstuckbyus;andbreakingupourestablishment,leftustothesafe,butsomewhatmortifying,neglectoftheCrownLawyers.Itwasaboutthistime,oralittleearlier,thatDan.Stuartmadethatcuriousconfessiontous,thathehad"neverdeliberatelywalkedintoanExhibitionatSomersetHouseinhislife."