THE SUPERANNUATED MAN
Libertas——Virgil.
AClerkIwasinLondongay——
OKEEFE.
IFperadventure,Reader,ithasbeenthylottowastethegoldenyearsofthylife——thyshiningyouth——intheirksomeconfinementofanoffice;tohavethyprisondaysprolongedthroughmiddleagedowntodecrepitudeandsilverhairs,withouthopeofreleaseorrespite;tohavelivedtoforgetthattherearesuchthingsasholidays,ortorememberthembutastheprerogativesofchildhood;then,andthenonly,willyoubeabletoappreciatemydeliverance.
ItisnowsixandthirtyyearssinceItookmyseatatthedeskinMincing-lane.Melancholywasthetransitionatfourteenfromtheabundantplay-time,andthefrequently-interveningvacationsofschooldays,totheeight,nine,andsometimestenhoursa-dayattendanceatacounting-house.Buttimepartiallyreconcilesustoanything.Igraduallybecamecontent——doggedlycontented,aswildanimalsincages.
ItistrueIhadmySundaystomyself;butSundays,admirableastheinstitutionofthemisforpurposesofworship,areforthatveryreasontheveryworstadaptedfordaysofunbendingandrecreation.Inparticular,thereisagloomformeattendantuponacitySunday,aweightintheair.ImissthecheerfulcriesofLondon,themusic,andtheballad-singers——thebuzzandstirringmurmurofthestreets.Thoseeternalbellsdepressme.Theclosedshopsrepelme.Prints,pictures,alltheglitteringandendlesssuccessionofknacksandgewgaws,andostentatiouslydisplayedwaresoftradesmen,whichmakeaweek-daysaunterthroughthelessbusypartsofthemetropolissodelightful——areshutout.Nobook-stallsdeliciouslytoidleover——Nobusyfacestorecreatetheidlemanwhocontemplatesthemeverpassingby——theveryfaceofbusinessacharmbycontrasttohistemporaryrelaxationfromit.Nothingtobeseenbutunhappycountenances——orhalf-happyatbest——ofemancipated`prenticesandlittletradesfolks,withhereandthereaservantmaidthathasgotleavetogoout,who,slavingalltheweek,withthehabithaslostalmostthecapacityofenjoyingafreehour;andlivelilyexpressingthehollownessofadayspleasuring.Theverystrollersinthefieldsonthatdaylookanythingbutfortable.
ButbesidesSundaysIhadadayatEaster,andadayatChristmas,withafullweekinthesummertogoandairmyselfinmynativefieldsofHertfordshire.Thislastwasagreatindulgence;andtheprospectofitsrecurrence,Ibelieve,alonekeptmeupthroughtheyear,andmademydurancetolerable.Butwhentheweekcameround,didtheglitteringphantomofthedistancekeeptouchwithme?orratherwasitnotaseriesofsevenuneasydays,spentinrestlesspursuitofpleasure,andawearisomeanxietytofindouthowtomakethemostofthem?Wherewasthequiet,wherethepromisedrest?BeforeIhadatasteofit,itwasvanished.Iwasatthedeskagain,countinguponthefifty-onetediousweeksthatmustintervenebeforesuchanothersnatchwoulde.Stilltheprospectofitsingthrewsomethingofanilluminationuponthedarkersideofmycaptivity.Withoutit,asIhavesaid,Icouldscarcelyhavesustainedmythraldom.
Independentlyoftherigoursofattendance,Ihaveeverbeenhauntedwithasense(perhapsamerecaprice)ofincapacityforbusiness.This,duringmylatteryears,hadincreasedtosuchadegree,thatitwasvisibleinthelinesofmycountenance.Myhealthandmygoodspiritsflagged.Ihadperpetuallyadreadofsomecrisis,towhichIshouldbefoundunequal.Besidesmyday-lightservitude,Iservedoveragainallnightinmysleep,andwouldawakewithterrorsofimaginaryfalseentries,errorsinmyaccounts,andthelike.Iwasfiftyyearsofage,andnoprospectofemancipationpresenteditself.Ihadgrowntomydesk,asitwere;andthewoodhadenteredintomysoul.
Myfellowsintheofficewouldsometimesrallymeuponthetroublelegibleinmycountenance;butIdidnotknowthatithadraisedthesuspicionsofanyofmyemployers,when,onthe5thoflastmonth,adayevertoberememberedbyme,L——,thejuniorpartnerinthefirm,callingmeononeside,directlytaxedmewithmybadlooks,andfranklyinquiredthecauseofthem.Sotaxed,Ihonestlymadeconfessionofmyinfirmity,andaddedthatIwasafraidIshouldeventuallybeobligedtoresignhisservice.Hespokesomewordsofcoursetoheartenme,andtherethematterrested.AwholeweekIremainedlabouringundertheimpressionthatIhadactedimprudentlyinmydisclosurethatIhadfoolishlygivenahandleagainstmyself,andhadbeenanticipatingmyowndismissal.Aweekpassedinthismanner,themostanxiousone,Iverilybelieve,inmywholelife,whenontheeveningofthe12thofApril,justasIwasaboutquittingmydesktogohome(itmightbeabouteightoclock)Ireceivedanawfulsummonstoattendthepresenceofthewholeassembledfirmintheformidablebackparlour.Ithought,nowmytimeissurelye,Ihavedoneformyself,Iamgoingtohetoldthattheyhavenolongeroccasionforme.L——Icouldsee,smiledattheterrorIwasin,whichwasalittlerelieftome,——whentomyutterastonishmentB——,theeldestpartner,beganaformalharanguetomeonthelengthofmyservices,myverymeritoriousconductduringthewholeofthetime(thedeuce,thoughtI,howdidhefindoutthat?IprotestIneverhadtheconfidencetothinkasmuch).Hewentontodescantontheexpediencyofretiringatacertaintimeoflife(howmyheartpanted!)andaskingmeafewquestionsastotheamountofmyownproperty,ofwhichIhavealittle,endedwithaproposal,towhichhisthreepartnersnoddedagraveassent,thatIshouldacceptfromthehouse,whichIhadservedsowell,apensionforlifetotheamountoftwo-thirdsofmyaccustomedsalary——amagnificentoffer!IdonotknowwhatIansweredbetweensurpriseandgratitude,butitwasunderstoodthatIacceptedtheirproposal,andIwastoldthatIwasfreefromthathourtoleavetheirservice.Istammeredoutabow,andatjusttenminutesaftereightIwenthome——forever.Thisnoble——benefitgratitudeforbidsmetoconcealtheirnames——Iowetothekindnessofthemostmunificentfirmintheworld——thehouseofBoldero,Merryweather,Bosanquet,andLacy.
Estoperpetua!
ForthefirstdayortwoIfeltstunned,overwhelmed.Icouldonlyapprehendmyfelicity;Iwastooconfusedtotasteitsincerely.Iwanderedabout,thinkingIwashappy,andknowingthatIwasnot.IwasintheconditionofaprisonerintheoldBastile,suddenlyletlooseafterafortyyearsconfinement.Icouldscarcetrustmyselfwithmyself.ItwaslikepassingoutofTimeintoEternity——foritisasortofEternityforamantohavehisTimealltohimself.ItseemedtomethatIhadmoretimeonmyhandsthanIcouldevermanage.Fromapoorman,poorinTime,Iwassuddenlyliftedupintoavastrevenue;Icouldseenoendofmypossessions;Iwantedsomesteward,orjudiciousbailiff,tomanagemyestatesinTimeforme.Andhereletmecautionpersonsgrownoldinactivebusiness,notlightly,norwithoutweighingtheirownresources,toforegotheircustomaryemploymentallatonce,fortheremaybedangerinit.Ifeelitbymyself,butIknowthatmyresourcesaresufficient;andnowthatthosefirstgiddyraptureshavesubsided,Ihaveaquiethome-feelingoftheblessednessofmycondition.Iaminnohurry.Havingallholidays,IamasthoughIhadnone.IfTimehungheavyuponme,Icouldwalkitaway;butIdonotwalkalldaylong,asIusedtodointhoseoldtransientholidays,thirtymilesaday,tomakethemostofthem.IfTimeweretroublesome,Icouldreaditaway,butIdonotreadinthatviolentmeasure,withwhich,havingnoTimemyownbutcandle-lightTime,Iusedtowearyoutmyheadandeyesightinby-gonewinters.Iwalk,readorscribble(asnow)justwhenthefitseizesme.Inolongerhuntafterpleasure;Iletitetome.Iamliketheman——
Thatsborn,andhashisyearsetohim,
Insomegreendesart.
"Years,"youwillsay!"whatisthissuperannuatedsimpletoncalculatingupon?Hehasalreadytoldus,heispastfifty."
Ihaveindeedlivednominallyfiftyyears,butdeductoutofthemthehourswhichIhavelivedtootherpeople,andnottomyself,andyouwillfindmestillayoungfellow.Forthatistheonlytruetime,whichamancanproperlycallhisown,thatwhichhehasalltohimself;therest,thoughinsomesensehemaybesaidtoliveit,isotherpeoplestime,nothis.Theremnantofmypoordays,longorshort,isatleastmultipliedformethree-fold.Mytennextyears,ifIstretchsofar,willbeaslongasanyprecedingthirty.`Tisafairrule-of-threesum.
Amongthestrangefantasieswhichbesetmeatthemencementofmyfreedom,andofwhichalltracesarenotyetgone,onewas,thatavasttractoftimehadintervenedsinceIquittedtheCountingHouse.Icouldnotconceiveofitasanaffairofyesterday.Thepartners,andtheclerks,withwhomIhadforsomanyyears,andforsomanyhoursineachdayoftheyear,beencloselyassociated——beingsuddenlyremovedfromthem——theyseemedasdeadtome.Thereisafinepassage,whichmayservetoillustratethisfancy,inaTragedybySirRobertHoward,speakingofafriendsdeath:——
`Twasbutjustnowhewentaway;
Ihavenotsincehadtimetoshedatear;
Andyetthedistancedoesthesameappear
Asifhehadbeenathousandyearsfromme.
TimetakesnomeasureinEternity.
Todissipatethisawkwardfeeling,Ihavebeenfaintogoamongthemonceortwicesince;tovisitmyolddesk-fellows——myco-brethrenofthequill——thatIhadleftbelowinthestatemilitant.Notallthekindnesswithwhichtheyreceivedmecouldquiterestoretomethatpleasantfamiliarity,whichIhadheretoforeenjoyedamongthem.Wecrackedsomeofouroldjokes,butmethoughttheywentoffbutfaintly.Myolddesk;thepegthereIhungmyhat,wereappropriatedtoanother.Iknewitmustbe,butIcouldnottakeitkindly.D——ltakeme,ifIcouldnotfeelsomeremorse——beast,ifIhadnot,——atquittingmyoldpeers,thefaithfulpartnersofmytoilsforsixandthirtyyears,thatsmoothedformewiththeirjokesandconundrumstheruggednessofmyprofessionalroad.Haditbeensoruggedthenafterall?orwasIacowardsimply?Well,itistoolatetorepent;andIalsoknow,thatthesesuggestionsareamonfallacyofthemindonsuchoccasions.Butmyheartsmoteme.Ihadviolentlybrokenthebandsbetwixtus.Itwasatleastnotcourteous.IshallbesometimebeforeIgetquitereconciledtotheseparation.Farewell,oldcronies,yetnotforlong,foragainandagainIwilleamongye,ifIshallhaveyourleave.FarewellCh——,dry,sarcastic,andfriendly!Do——,mild,slowtomove,andgentlemanly!Pl——,officioustodo,andtovolunteer,goodservices!——andthou,thoudrearypile,fitmansionforaGreshamoraWhittingtonofold,statelyHouseofmerchants;withthylabyrinthinepassages,andlight-excluding,pent-upoffices,wherecandlesforonehalftheyearsuppliedtheplaceofthesunslight;unhealthycontributortomyweal,sternfostererofmyliving,farewell!Intheeremain,andnotintheobscurecollectionofsomewanderingbookseller,my"works!"Thereletthemrest,asIdofrommylabours,piledonthymassyshelves,moreMSS.infoliothaneverAquinasleft,andfullasuseful!MymantleIbequeathamongye.
Afortnighthaspassedsincethedateofmyfirstmunication.AtthatperiodIwasapproachingtotranquillity,buthadnotreachedit.Iboastedofacalmindeed,butitwasparativeonly.Somethingofthefirstflutterwasleft;anunsettlingsenseofnovelty;thedazzletoweakeyesofunaccustomedlight.Imissedmyoldchains,forsooth,asiftheyhadbeensomenecessarypartofmyapparel.IwasapoorCarthusian,fromstrictcellulardisciplinesuddenlybysomerevolutionreturnedupontheworld.IamnowasifIhadneverbeenotherthanmyownmaster.ItisnaturaltometogowhereIplease,todowhatIplease.IfindmyselfatelevenoclockinthedayinBond-street,anditseemstomethatIhavebeensaunteringthereatthatveryhourforyearspast.IdigressintoSoho,toexploreabook-stall.MethinksIhavebeenthirtyyearsacollector.Thereisnothingstrangenornewinit.Ifindmyselfbeforeafinepictureinamorning.Wasiteverotherwise?WhatisbeeofFish-streetHill?WhereisFenchurch-street?StonesofoldMincing-lane,whichIhavewornwithmydailypilgrimageforsixandthirtyyears,tothefootstepsofwhattoil-wornclerkareyoureverlastingflintsnowvocal?IindentthegayerflagsofPallMall.ItisChangetime,andIamstrangelyamongtheElginmarbles.ItwasnohyperbolewhenIventuredtoparethechangeinmyconditiontoapassingintoanotherworld.Timestandsstillinamannertome.Ihavelostalldistinctionofseason.Idonotknowthedayoftheweek,orofthemonth.Eachdayusedtobeindividuallyfeltbymeinitsreferencetotheforeignpostdays;initsdistancefrom,orpropinquityto,thenextSunday.IhadmyWednesdayfeelings,mySaturdaynightssensations.Thegeniusofeachdaywasuponmedistinctlyduringthewholeofit,affectingmyappetite,spirits,&c.Thephantomofthenextday,withthedrearyfivetofollow,sateasaloaduponmypoorSabbathrecreations.WhatcharmhaswashedthatEthiopwhite?WhatisgoneofBlackMonday?Alldaysarethesame.Sundayitself——thatunfortunatefailureofaholydayasittoooftenproved,whatwithmysenseofitsfugitiveness,andover-caretogetthegreatestquantityofpleasureoutofit——ismelteddownintoaweekday.Icansparetogotochurchnow,withoutgrudgingthehugecantlewhichitusedtoseemtocutoutoftheholyday.IhaveTimeforeverything.Icanvisitasickfriend.Icaninterruptthemanofmuchoccupationwhenheisbusiest.IcaninsultoverhimwithaninvitationtotakeadayspleasurewithmetoWindsorthisfineMay-morning.ItisLucretianpleasuretobeholdthepoordrudges,whomIhaveleftbehindintheworld,carkingandcaring;likehorsesinamill,drudgingoninthesameeternalround——andwhatisitallfor?AmancanneverhavetoomuchTimetohimself,nortoolittletodo.HadIalittleson,IwouldchristenhimNOTHING-To-Do;heshoulddonothing.Man,Iverilybelieve,isoutofhiselementaslongasheisoperative.Iamaltogetherforthelifecontemplative.Willnokindlyearthquakeeandswallowupthoseaccursedcottonmills?Takemethatlumberofadeskthere,andbowlitdown
Aslowastothefiends.
Iamnolonger******,clerktotheFirmof&c.IamRetiredLeisure.Iamtobemetwithintrimgardens.Iamalreadyetobeknownbymyvacantfaceandcarelessgesture,perambulatingatnofixedpace,norwithanysettledpurpose.Iwalkabout;nottoandfrom.Theytellme,acertaincumdignitateair,thathasbeenburiedsolongwithmyothergoodparts,hasbeguntoshootforthinmyperson.Igrowintogentilityperceptibly.WhenItakeupanewspaper,itistoreadthestateoftheopera.Opusoperatumest.IhavedoneallthatIcameintothisworldtodo.Ihaveworkedtaskwork,andhavetherestofthedaytomyself.