THE CONVALESCENT
Andtrulythewholestateofsicknessissuch;forwhatelseisitbutamagnificentdreamforamantoliea-bed,anddrawday-lightcurtainsabouthim;and,shuttingoutthesun,toinduceatotaloblivionofalltheworkswhicharegoingonunderit?Tobeeinsensibletoalltheoperationsoflife,exceptthebeatingsofonefeeblepulse?
Iftherebearegalsolitude,itisasickbed.Howthepatientlords,itthere!whatcapricesheactswithoutcontroul!howkinglikeheswayshispillowtumbling,andtossing,andshifting,andlowering,andthumping,andflatting,andmouldingit,totheevervaryingrequisitionsofhisthrobbingtemples.
Hechangessidesoftenerthanapolitician.Nowheliesfulllength,thenhalflength,obliquely,transversely,headandfeetquiteacrossthebed;andnoneaccuseshimoftergiversation.Withinthefourcurtainsheisabsolute.TheyarehisMareClausum.
Howsicknessenlargesthedimensionsofamansselftohimself!heishisownexclusiveobject.Supremeselfishnessisinculcateduponhimashisonlyduty.`TistheTwoTablesoftheLawtohim.Hehasnothingtothinkofbuthowtogetwell.Whatpassesoutofdoors,orwithinthem,sohehearnotthejarringofthem,affectshimnot.
Alittlewhileagohewasgreatlyconcernedintheeventofalaw-suit,whichwastobethemakingorthemarringofhisdearestfriend.Hewastobeseentrudgingaboutuponthismanserrandtofiftyquartersofthetownatonce,joggingthiswitness,refreshingthatsolicitor.Thecausewastoeonyesterday.Heisabsolutelyasindifferenttothedecision,asifitwereaquestiontobetriedatPekin.Peradventurefromsomewhispering,goingonaboutthehouse,notintendedforhishearing,hepicksupenoughtomakehimunderstand,thatthingswentcross-grainedintheCourtyesterday,andhisfriendisruined.Buttheword"friend,"andtheword"ruin,"disturbhimnomorethansomuchjargon.Heisnottothinkofanythingbuthowtogetbetter.
Whataworldofforeigncaresaremergedinthatabsorbingconsideration!
Hehasputonthestrongarmourofsickness,heiswrappedinthecalloushideofsuffering;hekeepshissympathy,likesomecuriousvintage,undertrustylockandkey,forhisownuseonly.
Heliespityinghimself,honingandmoaningtohimself;heyearnethoverhimself;hisbowelsareevenmeltedwithinhim,tothinkwhathesuffers;heisnotashamedtoweepoverhimself.
Heisforeverplottinghowtodosomegoodtohimself;studyinglittlestratagemsandartificialalleviations.
Hemakesthemostofhimself;dividinghimself,byanallowablefiction,intoasmanydistinctindividuals,ashehathsoreandsorrowingmembers.Sometimeshemeditates——asofathingapartfromhim——uponhispoorachinghead,andthatdullpainwhich,dozingorwaking,layinitallthepastnightlikealog,orpalpablesubstanceofpain,nottoheremovedwithoutopeningtheveryscull,asitseemed,totakeitthence.Orhepitieshislong,clammy,attenuatedfingers.Hepassionateshimselfallover;andhisbedisaverydisciplineofhumanity,andtenderheart.
Heishisownsympathiser;andinstinctivelyfeelsthatnonecansowellperformthatofficeforhim.Hecaresforfewspectatorstohistragedy.Onlythatpunctualfaceoftheoldnursepleaseshim,thatannounceshisbroths,andhiscordials.Helikesitbecauseitissounmoved,andbecausehecanpourforthhisfeverishejaculationsbeforeitasunreservedlyastohisbed-post.
Totheworldsbusinessheisdead.Heunderstandsnotwhatthecallingsandoccupationsofmortalsare;onlyhehasaglimmeringconceitofsomesuchthing,whenthedoctormakeshisdailycall:andeveninthelinesofthatbusyfacehereadsnomultiplicityofpatients,butsolelyconceivesofhimselfasthesickman.Towhatotheruneasycouchthegoodmanishastening,whenheslipsoutofhischamber,foldinguphisthindouceursocarefullyforfearofrustling——isnospeculationwhichhecanatpresententertain.Hethinksonlyoftheregularreturnofthesamephenomenonatthesamehourto-morrow.
Householdrumourstouchhimnot.Somefaintmurmur,indicativeoflifegoingonwithinthehouse,sootheshim,whileheknowsnotdistinctlywhatitis.Heisnottoknowanything,nottothinkofanything.Servantsglidingupordownthedistantstaircase,treadingasuponvelvet,gentlykeephisearawake,solongashetroublesnothimselffurtherthanwithsomefeebleguessattheirerrands.Exacterknowledgewouldbeaburthentohim:hecanjustendurethepressureofconjecture.Heopenshiseyefaintlyatthedullstrokeofthemuffledknocker,andclosesitagainwithoutasking"whowasit?"Heisflatteredbyageneralnotionthatinquiriesaremakingafterhim,buthecaresnottoknowthenameoftheinquirer.Inthegeneralstillness,andawfulhushofthehouse,heliesinstate,andfeelshissovereignty.
Tobesickistoenjoymonarchalprerogatives.Comparethesilenttread,andquietministry,almostbytheeyeonly,withwhichheisserved——withthecarelessdemeanour,theunceremoniousgoingsinandout(slappingofdoors,orleavingthemopen)oftheverysameattendants,whenheisgettingalittlebetter——andyouwillconfess,thatfromthebedofsickness(throneletmerathercallit)totheelbowchairofconvalescence,isafallfromdignity,amountingtoadeposition.
Howconvalescenceshrinksamanbacktohispristinestature!whereisnowthespace,whichheoccupiedsolately,inhisown,inthefamilyseye?Thesceneofhisregalities,hissickroom,whichwashispresencechamber,wherehelayandactedhisdespoticfancies——howisitreducedtoamonbed-room!Thetrimnessoftheverybedhassomethingpettyandunmeaningaboutit.Itismad,everyday.Howunliketothatwavy,many-furrowed,oceanicsurface,whichitpresentedsoshortatimesince,whentomakeitwasaservicenottobethoughtofatoftenerthanthreeorfourdayrevolutions,whenthepatientwaswithpainandgrieftobeliftedforalittlewhileoutofit,tosubmittotheencroachmentsofunweleneatness,anddecencieswhichhisshakenframedeprecated;thentobeliftedintoitagain,foranotherthreeorfourdaysrespite,toflounderitoutofshapeagain,whileeveryfreshfurrowwasahistoricalrecordofsomeshiftingposture,someuneasyturning,someseekingforalittleease;andtheshrunkenskinscarcetoldatruerstorythanthecrumpledcoverlid.
Hushedarethosemysterioussighs——thosegroans——somuchmoreawful,whileweknewnotfromwhatcavernsofvasthiddensufferingtheyproceeded.TheLerneanpangsarequenched.Theriddleofsicknessissolved;andPhiloctetesisbeeanordinarypersonage.
Perhapssomerelicofthesickmansdreamofgreatnesssurvivesinthestilllingeringvisitationsofthemedicalattendant.Buthowishetoochangedwitheverythingelse!Canthisbehe——thismanofnews——ofchat——ofanecdote——ofeverythingbutphysiccanthisbehe,whosolatelycamebetweenthepatientandhiscruelenemy,asonsomesolemnembassyfromNature,erectingherselfintoahighmediatingparty?——Pshaw!`tissomeoldwoman.
Farewellwithhimallthatmadesicknesspompous——thespellthathushedthehousehold——thedesart-likestillness,feltthroughoutitsinmostchambers——themuteattendance——theinquirybylooks——thestillsofterdelicaciesofself-attention——thesoleandsingleeyeofdistemperalonelyfixeduponitself——world-thoughtsexcluded——themanaworlduntohimself——hisowntheatre——
Whataspeckishedwindledinto!
Inthisflatswampofconvalescence,leftbytheebbofsickness,yetfarenoughfromtheterrafirmaofestablishedhealth,yournote,dearEditor,reachedme,requesting——anarticle.InArticuloMortis,thoughtI;butitissomethinghard——andthequibble,wretchedasitwas,relievedme.Thesummons,unseasonableasitappeared,seemedtolinkmeonagaintothepettybusinessesoflife,whichIhadlostsightof;agentlecalltoactivity,howevertrivialawholesomeweaningfromthatpreposterousdreamofself-absorption——thepuffystateofsickness——inwhichIconfesstohavelainsolong,insensibletothemagazinesandmonarchies,oftheworldalike;toitslaws,andtoitsliterature.Thehypochondriacafflatusissubsiding;theacres,whichinimaginationIhadspreadover——forthesickmanswellsinthesolecontemplationofhissinglesufferings,tillhebeesaTityustohimself——arewastingtoaspan;andforthegiantofself-importance,whichIwassolately,youhavemeonceagaininmynaturalpretensions——theleanandmeagrefigureofyourinsignificantEssayist.