DISTANT CORRESPONDENTS
Epistolarymatterusuallypriseththreetopics;news,sentiment,andpuns.Inthelatter,Iincludeallnon-serioussubjects;orsubjectsseriousinthemselves,buttreatedaftermyfashion,nonseriously——Andfirst,fornews.Inthemthemostdesirablecircumstance,Isuppose,isthattheyshallbetrue.ButwhatsecuritycanIhavethatwhatInowsendyoufortruthshallnotbeforeyougetitunaccountablyturnintoalie?Forinstance,ourmutualfriendP.isatthispresentwriting——myNow——ingoodhealth,andenjoysafairshareofworldlyreputation.Youaregladtohearit.Thisisnaturalandfriendly.Butatthispresentreading——yourNow——hemaypossiblybeintheBench,orgoingtobehanged,whichinreasonoughttoabatesomethingofyourtransport(i.e.athearinghewaswell,&c.),oratleastconsiderablytomodifyit.Iamgoingtotheplaythisevening,tohavealaughwithMunden.Youhavenotheatre,Ithinkyoutoldme,inyourlandofd——drealities.Younaturallylickyourlips,andenvymemyfelicity.Thinkbutamoment,andyouwillcorrectthehatefulemotion.Why,itisSundaymorningwithyou,and1823.Thisconfusionoftenses,thisgrandsolecismoftwopresents,isinadegreemontoallpostage.ButifIsentyouwordtoBathortheDevises,thatIwasexpectingtheaforesaidtreatthisevening,thoughatthemomentyoureceivedtheintelligencemyfullfeastoffunwouldbeover,yettherewouldbeforadayortwoafter,asyouwouldwellknow,asmack,arelishleftuponmymentalpalate,whichwouldgiverationalencouragementforyoutofosteraportionatleastofthedisagreeablepassion,whichitwasinpartmyintentiontoproduce.Buttenmonthshenceyourenvyoryoursympathywouldbeasuselessasapassionspentuponthedead.Notonlydoestruth,intheselongintervals,un-essenceherself,but(whatisharder)onecannotventureacrudefictionforthefearthatitmayripenintoatruthuponthevoyage.WhatawildimprobablebanterIputuponyousomethreeyearssince——ofWillWeatherallhavingmarriedaservant-maid!Iremembergravelyconsultingyouhowweweretoreceiveher——forWillswifewasinnocasetoberejected;andyournolessseriousreplicationinthematter;howtenderlyyouadvisedanabstemiousintroductionofliterarytopicsbeforethelady,withacautionnottobetooforwardinbringingonthecarpetmattersmorewithinthesphereofherintelligence;yourdeliberatejudgment,orratherwisesuspensionofsentence,howfarjacks,andspits,andmops,couldwithproprietybeintroducedassubjects;whethertheconsciousavoidingofallsuchmattersindiscoursewouldnothaveaworselookthanthetakingofthemcasuallyinourway;inwhatmannerweshouldcarryourselvestoourmaidBecky,MrsWilliamWeatherallbeingby;whetherweshouldshowmoredelicacy,andatruersenseofrespectforWillswife,bytreatingBeckywithourcustomarychidingbeforeher,orbyanunusualdeferentialcivilitypaidtoBeckyastoapersonofgreatworth,butthrownbythecapriceoffateintoahumblestation.Thereweredifficulties,Iremember,onbothsides,whichyoudidmethefavourtostatewiththeprecisionofalawyer,unitedtothetendernessofafriend.Ilaughedinmysleeveatyoursolemnpleadings,whenlo!whileIwasvaluingmyselfuponthisflamputuponyouinNewSouthWales,thedevilinEngland,jealouspossiblyofanylie——childrennothisown,orworkingaftermycopy,hasactuallyinstigatedourfriend(notthreedayssince)tothemissionofamatrimony,whichIhadonlyconjuredupforyourdiversion.WilliamWeatherallhasmarriedMrsCotterelsmaid.Buttotakeitinitstruestsense,youwillsee,mydearF.,thatnewsfrommemustbeehistorytoyou;whichIneitherprofesstowrite,norindeedcaremuchforreading.Noperson,underadiviner,canwithanyprospectofveracityconductacorrespondenceatsuchanarmslength.Twoprophets,indeed,mightthusinterchangeintelligencewitheffect;theepochofthewriter(Habbakuk)fallinginwiththetruepresenttimeofthereceiver(Daniel);butthenwearenoprophets.
Thenastosentiment.Itfareslittlebetterwiththat.Thiskindofdish,aboveall,requirestobeserveduphot;orsentoffinwater-plates,thatyourfriendmayhaveitalmostaswarmasyourself.Ifithavetimetocool,itisthemosttastelessofallcoldmeats.IhaveoftensmiledataconceitofthelateLordC.ItseemsthattravellingsomewhereaboutGeneva,hecametosomeprettygreenspot,ornook,whereawillow,orsomethinghungsofantasticallyandinvitinglyoverastream——wasit?orarock?——nomatter——butthestillnessandtherepose,afterawearyjourney`tislikely,inalanguidmomentofhislordshipshotrestlesslife,sotookhisfancy,thathecouldimaginenoplacesoproper,intheeventofhisdeath,tolayhisbonesin.Thiswasallverynaturalandexcusableasasentiment,andshowshischaracterinaverypleasinglight.Butwhenfromapassingsentimentitcametobeanact;andwhen,byapositivetestamentarydisposal,hisremainswereactuallycarriedallthatwayfromEngland;whowasthere,somedesperatesentimentalistsexcepted,thatdidnotaskthequestion,Whycouldnothislordshiphavefoundaspotassolitary,anookasromantic,atreeasgreenandpendent,withastreamasemblematictohispurpose,inSurrey,inDorset,orinDevon?Conceivethesentimentboardedup,freighted,enteredattheCustomHouse(startlingthetide-waiterswiththenovelty),hoistedintoaship.Conceiveitpawedaboutandhandledbetweentherudejestsoftarpaulinruffians——athingofitsdelicatetexture——thesaltbilgewettingittillitbecameasvapidasadamagedlustring.Supposeitinmaterialdanger(marinershavesomesuperstitionaboutsentiments)ofbeingtossedoverinafreshgaletosomepropitiatoryshark(spiritofSaintGothard,saveusfromaquietussoforeigntothedeviserspurpose!)butithashappilyevadedafishyconsummation.Traceitthentoitsluckylanding——atLyonsshallwesay?——Ihavenotthemapbeforeme——jostleduponfourmensshoulders——baitingatthistown——stoppingtorefreshattothervillage——waitingapassporthere,alicensethere;thesanctionofthemagistracyinthisdistrict,theconcurrenceoftheecclesiasticsinthatcanton;tillatlengthitarrivesatitsdestination,tiredoutandjaded,fromabrisksentiment,intoafeatureofsillyrideortawdrysenselessaffectation.Howfewsentiments,mydearF.,Iamafraidwecansetdown,inthesailorsphrase,asquiteseaworthy.
Lastly,astotheagreeablelevities,which,thoughcontemptibleinbulk,arethetwinklingcorpusculawhichshouldirradiatearightfriendlyepistle——yourpunsandsmalljestsare,Iapprehend,extremelycircumscribedintheirsphereofaction.Theyaresofarfromacapacityofbeingpackedupandsentbeyondsea,theywillscarceenduretobetransportedbyhandfromthisroomtothenext.Theirvigourisastheinstantoftheirbirth.Theirnutrimentfortheirbriefexistenceistheintellectualatmosphereoftheby-standersorthislast,isthefineslimeofNilus——themeliorlutus,——whosematernalrecipiencyisasnecessaryasthesolpatertotheirequivocalgeneration.Apunhathaheartyhindofpresentear-kissingsmackwithit;youcannomoretransmititinitspristineflavour,thanyoucansendakiss,——Haveyounottriedinsomeinstancestopalmoffayesterdayspunuponagentleman,andhasitanswered?Notbutitwasnewtohishearing,butitdidnotseemtoenewfromyou.Itdidnothitchin.Itwaslikepickingupatavillageale-houseatwodaysoldnewspaper.Youhavenotseenitbefore,butyouresentthestalethingasanaffront.Thissortofmerchandiseaboveallrequiresaquickreturn.Apun,anditsrecognitorylaugh,mustbeco-instantaneous.Theoneisthebrisklightning,theotherthefiercethunder.Amomentsinterval,andthelinkissnapped.Apunisreflectedfromafriendsfaceasfromamirror.Whowouldconsulthissweetvisnomy,ifthepolishedsurfaceweretwoorthreeminutes(nottospeakoftwelve-months,mydearF.)ingivingbackitscopy?
Icannotimagetomyselfwhereaboutyouare.WhenItrytofixit,PeterWilkinssislandesacrossme.SometimesyouseemtobeintheHadesofThieves.IseeDiogenespryingamongyouwithhisperpetualfruitlesslantern.Whatmustyoubewillingbythistimetogiveforthesightofanhonestman!Youmustalmosthaveforgottenhowwelook.Andtellme,whatyourSydneyitesdo?aretheyth**v*ngalldaylong?Mercifulheaven!whatpropertycanstandagainstsuchadepredation!Thekangaroos——yourAborigines——dotheykeeptheirprimitivesimplicityun-Europe-tainted,withthoselittleshortfore-puds,lookinglikealessonframedbynaturetothepickpocket!Marry,fordivingintofobstheyareratherlamelyprovidedapriori;butifthehueandcrywereonceup,theywouldshowasfairapairofhind-shiftersastheexpertestloco-motorinthecolony——Wehearthemostimprobabletalesatthisdistance.Pray,isittruethattheyoungSpartansamongyouarebornwithsixfingers,whichspoilstheirscanning?——Itmustlookveryodd;butusereconciles.Fortheirscansion,itislesstoberegretted,foriftheytakeitintotheirheadstobepoets,itisoddsbuttheyturnout,thegreaterartofthem,vileplagiarists——Istheremuchdifferencetoseetobetweenthesonofath**f,andthegrandson?orwheredoesthetaintstop?Doyoubleachinthreeorinfourgenerations?——Ihavemanyquestionstoput,buttenDelphicvoyagescanbemadeinashortertimethanitwilltaketosatisfymyscruples——Doyougrowyourownhemp?——Whatisyourstapletrade,exclusiveofthenationalprofession,Imean?Yourlock-smiths,Itakeit,aresomeofyourgreatcapitalists.
Iaminsensiblychattingtoyouasfamiliarlyaswhenweusedtoexchangegood-morrowsoutofouroldcontiguouswindows,inpump-famedHare-courtintheTemple.Whydidyoueverleavethatquietcorner?——WhydidI?——withitsplementoffourpoorelms,fromwhosesmoke-dyedbarks,thethemeofjestingruralists,Ipickedmyfirstlady-birds!MyheartisasdryasthatspringsometimesprovesinathirstyAugust,whenIreverttothespacethatisbetweenus;alengthofpassageenoughtorenderobsoletethephrasesofourEnglishlettersbeforetheycanreachyou.ButwhileItalk,Ithinkyouhearme,——thoughtsdallyingwithvainsurmise-
Ayeme!whiletheetheseasandsoundingshoresHoldfaraway.
Comeback,beforeIamgrownintoaveryoldman,soasyoushallhardlyknowme.Come,beforeBridgetwalksoncrutches.Girlswhomyouleftchildrenhavebeesagematrons,whileyouaretarryingthere.ThebloomingMissW——r(yourememberSallyW——r)calleduponusyesterday,anagedcrone.Folks,whomyouknew,dieoffeveryyear.Formerly,Ithoughtthatdeathwaswearingout,——Istoodrampartedaboutwithsomanyhealthyfriends.ThedepartureofJ.W.,twospringsbackcorrectedmydelusion.Sincethentheolddivorcerhasbeenbusy.Ifyoudonotmakehastetoreturn,therewillbelittlelefttogreetyou,ofme,ormine.