A DISSERTATION UPON ROAST PIG
"Yougracelesswhelp,whathaveyougottheredevouring?Isitnotenoughthatyouhaveburntmedownthreehouseswithyourdogstricks,andbehangedtoyou,butyoumustbeeatingfire,andIknownotwhat——whathaveyougotthere,Isay?"
"Ofather,thepig,thepig,doeandtastehownicetheburntpigeats."
TheearsofHo-titingledwithhorror.Hecursedhisson,andhecursedhimselfthateverheshouldbegetasonthatshouldeatburntpig.
Bo-bo,whosescentwaswonderfullysharpenedsincemorning,soonrakedoutanotherpig,andfairlyrendingitasunder,thrustthelesserhalfbymainforceintothefistsofHo-ti,stillshoutingout"Eat,eat,eattheburntpig,father,onlytaste——OLord,"——withsuch-likebarbarousejaculations,crammingallthewhileasifhewouldchoke.
Ho-titrembledeveryjointwhilehegraspedtheabominablething,waveringwhetherheshouldnotputhissontodeathforanunnaturalyoungmonster,whenthecracklingscorchinghisfingers,asithaddonehissons,andapplyingthesameremedytothem,heinhisturntastedsomeofitsflavour,which,makewhatsourmouthshewouldforapretence,provednotaltogetherdispleasingtohim.Inconclusion(forthemanuscripthereisalittletedious)bothfatherandsonfairlysatdowntothemess,andneverleftofftilltheyhaddespatchedallthatremainedofthelitter.
Bo-bowasstrictlyenjoinednottoletthesecretescape,fortheneighbourswouldcertainlyhavestonedthemforacoupleofabominablewretches,whocouldthinkofimprovinguponthegoodmeatwhichGodhadsentthem.Nevertheless,strangestoriesgotabout.ItwasobservedthatHo-tiscottagewasburntdownnowmorefrequentlythanever.Nothingbutfiresfromthistimeforward.Somewouldbreakoutinbroadday,othersinthenight-time.Asoftenasthesowfarrowed,sosurewasthehouseofHo-titobeinablaze;andHo-tihimself,whichwasthemoreremarkable,insteadofchastisinghisson,seemedtogrowmoreindulgenttohimthanever.Atlengththeywerewatched,theterriblemysterydiscovered,andfatherandsonsummonedtotaketheirtrialatPekin,thenaninconsiderableassizetown.Evidencewasgiven,theobnoxiousfooditselfproducedincourt,andverdictabouttobepronounced,whentheforemanofthejurybeggedthatsomeoftheburntpig,ofwhichtheculpritsstoodaccused,mightbehandedintothebox.Hehandledit,andtheyallhandledit,andburningtheirfingers,asBo-boandhisfatherhaddonebeforethem,andnaturepromptingtoeachofthemthesameremedy,againstthefaceofallthefacts,andtheclearestchargewhichjudgehadevergiven,——tothesurpriseofthewholecourt,towns-folk,strangers,reporters,andallpresent——withoutleavingthebox,oranymannerofconsultationwhatever,theybroughtinasimultaneousverdictofNotGuilty.
Thejudge,whowasashrewdfellow,winkedatthemanifestiniquityofthedecision:and,whenthecourtwasdismissed,wentprivily,andboughtupallthepigsthatcouldbehadforloveormoney.InafewdayshisLordshipstownhousewasobservedtobeonfire.Thethingtookwing,andnowtherewasnothingtobeseenbutfiresineverydirection.Fuelandpigsgrewenormouslydearalloverthedistrict.Theinsuranceofficesoneandallshutupshop.Peoplebuiltslighterandslightereveryday,untilitwasfearedthattheveryscienceofarchitecturewouldinnolongtimebelosttotheworld.Thusthiscustomoffiringhousescontinued,tillinprocessoftime,saysmymanuscript,asagearose,likeourLocke,whomadeadiscovery,thatthefleshofswine,orindeedofanyotheranimal,mightbecooked(burnt,astheycalledit)withoutthenecessityofconsumingawholehousetodressit.Thenfirstbegantherudeformofagridiron.Roastingbythestring,orspit,cameinacenturyortwolater,Iforgetinwhosedynasty.Bysuchslowdegrees,concludesthemanuscript,dothemostuseful,andseeminglythemostobviousarts,maketheirwayamongman-kind.
Withoutplacingtooimplicitfaithintheaccountabovegiven,itmustbeagreed,thatifaworthypretextforsodangerousanexperimentassettinghousesonfire(especiallyinthesedays)couldbeassignedinfavourofanyculinaryobject,thatpretextandexcusemightbefoundinROASTPIG.
Ofallthedelicaciesinthewholemundusedibilis,Iwillmaintainittobethemostdelicate——princepsobsoniorum.
Ispeaknotofyourgrownporkers——thingsbetweenpigandpork——thosehobbydehoys——butayoungandtendersuckling——underamoonold——guiltlessasyetofthesty——withnooriginalspeckoftheamorimmunditiae,thehereditaryfailingofthefirstparent,yetmanifest——hisvoiceasyetnotbroken,butsomethingbetweenachildishtreble,andagrumble——themildforerunner,orpraeludium,ofagrunt.
Hemustberoasted.Iamnotignorantthatourancestorsatethemseethed,orboiled——butwhatasacrificeoftheexteriortegument!
Thereisnoflavourparable,Iwillcontend,tothatofthecrisp,tawny,well-watched,notover-roasted,crackling,asitiswellcalled——theveryteethareinvitedtotheirshareofthepleasureatthisbanquetinoveringthecoy,brittleresistance——withtheadhesiveoleaginous——Ocallitnotfat——butanindefinablesweetnessgrowinguptoit——thetenderblossomingoffat——fatcroppedinthebud——takenintheshoot——inthefirstinnocence——thecreamandquintessenceofthechild-pigsyetpurefood——thelean,nolean,butakindofanimalmanna——or,rather,fatandlean(ifitmustbeso)soblendedandrunningintoeachother,thatbothtogethermakebutoneambrosianresult,ormonsubstance.
Beholdhim,whileheisdoing——itseemethratherarefreshingwarmth,thanascorchingheat,thatheissopassiveto.Howequablyhetwirlethroundthestring!——Nowheisjustdone.Toseetheextremesensibilityofthattenderage,hehathweptouthisprettyeyes——radiantjellies——shootingstars-
Seehiminthedish,hissecondcradle,howmeekheliethwouldstthouhavehadthisinnocentgrowuptothegrossnessandindocilitywhichtoooftenacpanymaturerswinehood?Tentoonehewouldhaveprovedaglutton,asloven,anobstinate,disagreeableanimal——wallowinginallmanneroffilthyconversation——fromthesesinsheishappilysnatchedaway-
Eresincouldblight,orsorrowfade,
Deathcamewithtimelycare-
hismemoryisodoriferous——noclowncurseth,whilehisstomachhalfrejecteth,therankbacon——nocoalheaverboltethhiminreekingsausages——hehathafairsepulchreinthegratefulstomachofthejudiciousepicure——andforsuchatombmightbecontenttodie.
HeisthebestofSapors.Pine-appleisgreat.Sheisindeedalmosttootranscendent——adelight,ifnotsinful,yetsoliketosinning,thatreallyatender-consciencedpersonwoulddowelltopause——tooravishingformortaltaste,shewoundethandexcoriateththelipsthatapproachher——likeloverskisses,shebitethsheisapleasureborderingonpainfromthefiercenessandinsanityofherrelish——butshestoppethatthepalate——shemeddlethnotwiththeappetite——andthecoarsesthungermightbarterherconsistentlyforamuttonchop.
Pig——letmespeakhispraise——Isnolessprovocativeoftheappetite,thanheissatisfactorytothecriticalnessofthepalate.Thestrongmanmaybattenonhim,andtheweaklingrefusethnothismildjuices.
Unliketomankindsmixedcharacters,abundleofvirtuesandvices,inexplicablyintertwisted,andnottobeunravelledwithouthazard,heisgoodthroughout.Nopartofhimisbetterorworsethananother.Hehelpeth,asfarashislittlemeansextend,allaround.Heistheleastenviousofbanquets.Heisallneighboursfare.
Iamoneofthose,whofreelyandungrudginglyimpartashareofthegoodthingsofthislifewhichfalltotheirlot(fewasmineareinthiskind)toafriend.IprotestItakeasgreataninterestinmyfriendspleasures,hisrelishes,andpropersatisfactions,asinmineown."Presents,"Ioftensay,"endearAbsents."Hares,pheasants,partridges,snipes,barn-doorchicken(those"tamevillaticfowl"),capons,plovers,brawn,barrelsofoysters,IdispenseasfreelyasIreceivethem.Ilovetotastethem,asitwere,uponthetongueofmyfriend.Butastopmustbeputsomewhere.Onewouldnot,likeLear,"giveeverything."Imakemystanduponpig.MethinksitisaningratitudetotheGiverofallgoodflavours,toextra-domiciliate,orsendoutofthehouse,slightingly,(underpretextoffriendship,orIknownotwhat)ablessingsoparticularlyadapted,predestined,Imaysay,tomyindividualpalate——Itarguesaninsensibility.
Irememberatouchofconscienceinthiskindatschool.Mygoodoldaunt,whoneverpartedfrommeattheendofaholidaywithoutstuffingasweet-meat,orsomenicething,intomypocket,haddismissedmeoneeveningwithasmokingplum-cake,freshfromtheoven.Inmywaytoschool(itwasoverLondonbridge)agrey-headedoldbeggarsalutedme(Ihavenodoubtatthistimeofdaythathewasacounterfeit).Ihadnopencetoconsolehimwith,andinthevanityofself-denial,andtheverycoxbryofcharity,school-boy-like,Imadehimapresentof——thewholecake!Iwalkedonalittle,buoyedup,asoneisonsuchoccasions,withasweetsoothingofself-satisfaction;butbeforeIhadgottotheendofthebridge,mybetterfeelingsreturned,andIburstintotears,thinkinghowungratefulIhadbeentomygoodaunt,togoandgivehergoodgiftawaytoastranger,thatIhadneverseenbefore,andwhomightbeabadmanforaughtIknew;andthenIthoughtofthepleasuremyauntwouldbetakinginthinkingthatI——Imyself,andnotanother——wouldeathernicecake——andwhatshouldIsaytoherthenexttimeIsawher——hownaughtyIwastopartwithherprettypresent——andtheodourofthatspicycakecamebackuponmyrecollection,andthepleasureandthecuriosityIhadtakeninseeinghermakeit,andherjoywhenshesentittotheoven,andhowdisappointedshewouldfeelthatIhadneverhadabitofitinmymouthatlast——andIblamedmyimpertinentspiritofaims-giving,andout-of-placehypocrisyofgoodness,andaboveallIwishednevertoseethefaceagainofthatinsidious,good-for-nothing,oldgreyimpostor.
Ourancestorswereniceintheirmethodofsacrificingthesetendervictims.Wereadofpigswhipttodeathwithsomethingofashock,aswehearofanyotherobsoletecustom.Theageofdisciplineisgoneby,oritwouldbecurioustoinquire(inaphilosophicallightmerely)whateffectthisprocessmighthavetowardsinteneratinganddulcifyingasubstance,naturallysomildanddulcetasthefleshofyoungpigs.Itlookslikerefiningaviolet.Yetweshouldbecautiouswhilewecondemntheinhumanity,howwecensurethewisdomofthepractice.Itmightimpartagusto-
Irememberanhypothesis,argueduponbytheyoungstudents,whenIwasatSt.Omers,andmaintainedwithmuchlearningandpleasantryonbothsides,"Whether,supposingthattheflavourofapigwhoobtainedhisdeathbywhipping(perflagellationemextremam)superaddedapleasureuponthepalateofamanmoreintensethananypossiblesufferingwecanconceiveintheanimal,ismanjustifiedinusingthatmethodofputtingtheanimaltodeath?"Iforgetthedecision.
Hissauceshouldbeconsidered.Decidedly,afewbreadcrums,doneupwithhisliverandbrains,andadashofmildsage.But,banish,dearMrs.Cook,Ibeseechyou,thewholeoniontribe.Barbecueyourwholehogstoyourpalate,steeptheminshalots,stuffthemoutwithplantationsoftherankandguiltygarlic;youcannotpoisonthem,ormakethemstrongerthantheyare——butconsider,heisaweakling——aflower.