ALL FOOLS' DAY
Manyhappyreturnsofthisdaytoyou——andyou——andyou,Sir——nay,neverfrown,man,norputalongfaceuponthematter.Donotweknowoneanother?whatneedofceremonyamongfriends?wehaveallatouchofthatsame——youunderstandme——aspeckofthemotley.Beshrewthemanwhoonsuchadayasthis,thegeneralfestival,shouldaffecttostandaloof.Iamnoneofthosesneakers.Iamfreeofthecorporation,andcarenotwhoknowsit.Hethatmeetsmeintheforestto-day,shallmeetwithnowise-acre,Icantellhim.Stultussum.Translatemethat,andtakethemeaningofittoyourselfforyourpains.What,man,wehavefourquartersoftheglobeonourside,attheleastputation.
Fillusacupofthatsparklinggooseberry——wewilldrinknowise,melancholy,politicportonthisday——andletustrollthecatchofAmiens——ducadme——ducadme——howgoesit?
Hereshallhesee
Grossfoolsashe.
NowwouldIgiveatrifletoknowhistoricallyandauthentically,whowasthegreatestfoolthateverlived.Iwouldcertainlygivehiminabumper.Marry,ofthepresentbreed,IthinkIcouldwithoutmuchdifficultynameyoutheparty.
Removeyourcapalittlefurther,ifyouplease;ithidesmybauble.Andnoweachmanbestridehishobby,anddustawayhisbellstowhattunehepleases.Iwillgiveyou,formypart,
_______Thecrazyoldchurchclock,
Andthebewilderedchimes.
GoodmasterEmpedocles,youarewele.ItislongsinceyouwentasalamandergatheringdownAetna.Worsethansamphire-pickingbysomeodds.`Tisamercyyourworshipdidnotsingeyourmustachios.
Ha!Cleombrotus!andwhatsaladsinfaithdidyoulightuponatthebottomoftheMediterranean?Youwerefounder,Itakeit,ofthedisinterestedsectoftheCalenturists.
Gebir,myoldfree-mason,andprinceofplasterersatBabel,bringinyourtrowel,mostAncientGrand!Youhaveclaimtoaseatatmyrighthand,aspatronofthestammerers.Youleftyourwork,ifIrememberHerodotuscorrectly,ateighthundredmilliontoises,orthereabout,abovethelevelofthesea.Blessus,whatalongbellyoumusthavepulled,tocallyourtopworkmentotheirnuncheononthelowgroundsofSennaar.Ordidyousendupyourgarlickandonionsbyarocket?IamarogueifIamnotashamedtoshowyouourMonumentonFish-streetHill,afteryouraltitudes.Yetwethinkitsomewhat.
What,themagnanimousAlexanderintears?——cry,baby,putitsfingerinitseye,itshallhaveanotherglobe,roundasanorange,prettymoppet!
MisterAdams——odso,Ihonouryourcoat——praydousthefavourtoreadtousthatsermon,whichyoulenttoMistressSlipslop——thetwentyandsecondinyourportmanteauthere——onFemaleIncontinence——thesame——itwilleinmostirrelevantlyandimpertinentlyseasonabletothetimeoftheday.
GoMasterRaymundLully,youlookwise.Praycorrectthaterror-
Duns,spareyourdefinitions.Imustfineyouabumper,oraparadox.Wewillhavenothingsaidordonesyllogisticallythisday.Removethoselogicalforms,waiter,thatnogentlemanbreakthetendershinsofhisapprehensionstumblingacrossthem.
MasterStephen,youarelate——Ha!Cokes,isityou?——Ague-cheek,mydearknight,letmepaymydevoirtoyou——MasterShallow,yourworshipspoorservanttomand——MasterSilence,Iwillusefewwordswithyou——Slender,itshallgohardifIedgenotyouinsomewhere——Yousixwillengrossallthepoorwitofthepanyto-day——Iknowit,Iknowit.
Ha!honestR——,myfineoldLibrarianofLudgate,timeoutofmind,artthouhereagain?Blessthydoublet,itisnotover-new,threadbareasthystories——whatdostthouflittingabouttheworldatthisrate?——Thycustomersareextinct,defunct,bed-rid,haveceasedtoreadlongago——Thougoeststillamongthem,seeingif,peradventure,thoucansthawkavolumeortwo——GoodGranvilleS——,thylastpatron,isflown.
KingPandion,heisdead,
Allthyfriendsarelaptinlead-
Nevertheless,nobleR——,ein,andtakeyourseathere,betweenArmadoandQuisada:forintruecourtesy,ingravity,infantasticsmilingtothyself,incourteoussmilinguponothers,inthegoodlyornatureofwell-apparelledspeech,andthemendationofwisesentences,thouartnothinginferiortothoseacplishedDonsofSpain.Thespiritofchivalryforsakemeforever,whenIforgetthysingingthesongofMacheath,whichdeclaresthathemightbehappywitheither,situatedbetweenthosetwoancientspinsters——whenIforgettheinimitableformallovewhichthoudidstmake,turningnowtotheone,andnowtotheother,withthatMalvoliansmile——asifCervantes,notGay,hadwrittenitforhishero;andasifthousandsofperiodsmustrevolve,beforetheminorofcourtesycouldhavegivenhisinvidiouspreferencebetweenapairofsogoodly-propertiedandmeritorious-equaldamsels
Todescendfromthesealtitudes,andnottoprotractourFoolsBanquetbeyonditsappropriateday,——forIfearthesecondofAprilisnotmanyhoursdistant——insoberverityIwillconfessaTruthtothee,reader.IloveaFool——asnaturally,asifIwereofkithandkintohim.Whenachild,withchild-likeapprehensions,thatdivednotbelowthesurfaceofthematter,IreadthoseParables——notguessingattheirinvolvedwisdom——Ihadmoreyearningstowardsthatsimplearchitect,thatbuilthishouseuponthesand,thanIentertainedforhismorecautiousneighbour;Igrudgedatthehardcensurepronounceduponthequietsoulthatkepthistalent;and——prizingtheirsimplicitybeyondthemoreprovident,and,tomyapprehension,somewhatunfemininewarinessoftheirpetitors——Ifeltakindliness,thatalmostamountedtoatendre,forthosefivethoughtlessvirgins——Ihavenevermadeanacquaintancesince,thatlasted;orafriendship,thatanswered;withanythathadnotsometinctureoftheabsurdintheircharacters.Ivenerateanhonestobliquityofunderstanding.Themorelaughableblundersamanshallmitinyourpany,themoretestshegivethyou,thathewillnotbetrayoroverreachyou.Ilovethesafety,whichapalpablehallucinationwarrants;thesecurity,whichawordoutofseasonratifies.Andtakemywordforthis,reader,andsayafooltoldityou,ifyouplease,thathewhohathnotadramoffollyinhismixture,hathpoundsofmuchworsematterinhisposition.Itisobserved,that"thefoolisherthefowlorfish,——woodcocks,——dotterels,——cods-heads,&c.thefinerthefleshthereof,"andwhataremonlytheworldsreceivedfools,butsuchwhereoftheworldisnotworthy?andwhathavebeensomeofthekindliestpatternsofourspecies,butsomanydarlingsofabsurdity,minionsofthegoddess,andherwhiteboys?——Reader,ifyouwrestmywordsbeyondtheirfairconstruction,itisyou,andnotI,thataretheAprilFool.